


Star in My Orbit

by Alyss_inwonderland



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempted Murder, Boys Kissing, Depression, Domestic Fluff, Domestic Violence, Drunken Kissing, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Han Jisung | Han Being an Asshole, Han Jisung | Han is Whipped, Hwang Hyunjin Being an Asshole, Hwang Hyunjin is a Sweetheart, Loner Jisung, M/M, Making Out, Skateboarding, Skater Hyunjin, Strangers to Lovers, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Writer/Journalist Jisung
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-09-19
Packaged: 2020-07-30 20:34:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 30,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20103223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alyss_inwonderland/pseuds/Alyss_inwonderland
Summary: "He doesn't know it, but he's the only star in my orbit.One day, someone will be lucky enough to be the star in his orbit.But, I am not that someone."Skater Boy! Hyunjin has always lived a carefree life with no worries at all. Believing nobody has problems, he doesn't realize how wrong he is until he sees the quiet, loner Jisung try to jump off the rooftop of the school building one chilly morning.





	1. Chapter 1

Hyunjin likes to think he has it easy.

His family was close, just the three of them with his beloved Kkami and his grandmother whenever she comes over to visit. He has plenty of friends, even a close group he trusts with his life. He’s the ace of the school’s soccer team (sadly couldn’t be the swim team’s ace because Chan was there).

Most importantly, he has his favorite hobby: skateboarding. Honestly, Hyunjin doesn’t know what he would do without his skateboard. His first one was given to him by an upperclassman back in middle school, said Hyunjin had pretty good balance so he should try it out.

Hyunjin loved it ever since.

When he wasn’t at sports practice or dealing with homework, he would skate. Sometimes, he would hang out at the skate park with his friends, but most times he would grab his board and skate around the city. The destination never mattered to him, he just loved the feeling of riding against the wind, speeding forward and just letting himself go.

College wasn’t bad either. He did decent in his classes, not amazing but enough to make his professors like him. Because he’s so easy going, he doesn’t have a problem talking to people and making friends.

Everybody practically knew Hyunjin. Even if they didn’t know him well, they at least knew his name and his face. It’s hard to forget Hyunjin once you’ve seen him.

He still only hangs out with his friend group, always gathering and making people envious of their close friendship. They started out as friends when they were younger, just a small group at first before Chan started recruiting people and now, they were a cozy group of eight.

Hyunjin has it so easy.

* * *

Jisung hates his life.

He doesn’t know how he keeps going, if he’s going to be completely honest. Every day spent living feels like a chore to him, and at some point, he wonders if it’s even worth it anymore.

Jisung’s always been alone.

He thinks he used to have friends when he was younger, but after a while, they all left him. After all, nobody wanted to be and stay friends with a complete loser who barely opens up to people because he’s shy darn it, and he just doesn’t know how to express himself.

All he ever does is write. When it’s not stories, it’s lyrics. Always some kind of creative writing because it’s the only way he can express himself and honestly, keeping notebook after notebook of words isn’t too bad.

Jisung thinks he’ll be one of those cat ladies he keeps hearing about when he’s older, except he doesn’t think cats would like him either so maybe he’ll just be alone in a small, cramped apartment, wondering when the grim reaper was going to show up at his door.

His family? Complete bullshit. After his mother left them for her new boyfriend, after she left Jisung who was barely five years old, his father lost it. Every day he was drinking, and at night, he would gamble. When he wanders home drunk, he has a hobby of making sure Jisung had new bruises and cuts on his skin.

It’s difficult to continuously cover them up, but Jisung has to if he wants to keep his job. Honestly, Jisung doesn’t know if his father was even human anymore. All he sees is a disgusting pig who knows nothing about family, just money and alcohol.

College is just that; college. Jisung does extremely well in class, that’s why he has his full-ride scholarship because he knows his father wouldn’t pay a single penny. He makes the decision to move into the dorms the minute he hears about the scholarship, but it doesn’t cover housing over breaks so he has to go back to a house that never felt like a home to him.

Jisung thinks he has a shitty life.

* * *

It’s a chilly morning when they first met.

Hyunjin is wearing his favorite black hoodie with a scarf wrapped around his neck and nose, smoothly sliding down the sidewalk between the different educational buildings. He left his dorm early that morning, waking up his roommate Minho who grumbles before falling asleep again, only waving when Hyunjin yells a “bye”.

He wasn’t doing anything particular, just figured he could skate around campus before people started walking around to get to classes. He sees some early risers on their morning jog, and he goes to the side when they come.

Hyunjin flips his board when he reaches a nearby bench, placing the board under his feet as he leans back. He takes out his phone, and sees he still has a good amount of time before his first class. Maybe he should get breakfast soon.

It could wait, he thinks, breathing in the cold air. It’s fresh, and he knows the holidays are just around the corner. Hyunjin loves the holidays, he gets to go home and spend Christmas with his family, and then he and his friends get together for their annual New Year’s party. But even when he thinks of this, it’s only September so there was still time left.

Hyunjin tilts his head back on the bench, his vision is completely upside down as he looks at the campus. It makes him smile to himself. It’s fun to see the world from a different viewpoint, Hyunjin thinks.

But his neck starts to cramp up, muscles tensing and urging him to straighten his head. Hyunjin almost does when he sees a small figure appear on the rooftop of the nearby Arts building.

It makes him rise to his feet and turn around, bewildered as he squints his eyes, making sure he was seeing clearly.

There’s definitely a figure on the rooftop, Hyunjin confirms. He’s also unsure of why the figure has their hands on the edge of the rooftop, tall enough that the edge comes up to their chest.

Wait, why were they climbing onto the edge? That’s dangerous, isn’t it? There weren’t any tall bars that closed off the rooftop like most of the newer buildings. So why were they trying to get onto the edge?

Hyunjin runs.

* * *

Jisung inhales a shaky breath, looking over the edge of the rooftop. He didn’t really pick this particular day for any grand reason, just figured things were shitty enough to the point where he’s so, _so_ tired of everything.

He doesn’t see a point to living anymore.

Just the day before, he made a visit to his house because he had to pick up some stuff. His father had been home, something Jisung wasn’t expecting, but he was drinking again and Jisung completely expected that. The minute he saw Jisung, he shouted, cursed, and threw whatever he could get his hands on at his only son.

Needless to say, Jisung ends up with another bruise. He only manages to wrap it up before he goes to work, because there was an important client that day and he couldn’t mess up. But the client was a total asshole, slapping Jisung’s ass and had the worst eating manners of anybody Jisung ever saw in a restaurant.

When Jisung refused to leave with the client, most likely to his house and to the bed, he’s sure, the man turned a bright red and began to shout in anger. His manager had to calm the client down, and Jisung was tasked with pouring the man some wine. Except the fresh bruise on his hand decided now was the time to act up, resulting in Jisung pouring the wine all over the client’s balding head.

Jisung was fired.

If he wasn’t sulky about his job, he would have been glad he did that. The man clearly deserved it. And when things couldn’t get any worse, he finds out he might lose his spot on the school’s newspaper club because he hasn’t been writing as much as he wants to.

It’s hard to write something he can put out there. A lot of stuff that he writes is pretty personal, and Jisung would rather die than put them on a clean sheet of paper that people will look at, only to throw away later. Because well, who reads newspaper these days?

It’s probably why the club president was starting to make journals to keep in the library instead. They already have the first edition out. Jisung thinks he wrote some poems in it, but he can’t remember.

So, yeah. Jisung’s life went from bad to worse in the span of less than 24 hours. It’s great. Absolutely amazing. Spectacular even.

That’s why he’s at the rooftop this morning, because he figures there isn’t really anything worth living for. This was a sign from God, probably. Everything was already going downhill, there was no way it would get better, so why not end it now?

Jisung inhales again, exhaling slowly before he’s gingerly lifting himself onto the edge. He picked this building because it was one of the oldest and didn’t have those tall bars he could never get over.

It’s not too bad, Jisung thinks as he stands on the edge, looking downwards. There wasn’t even that many people around, nobody to stop him. Plus, he didn’t like attention, probably why he was that lonely outcast for most of his life.

Maybe the newspaper club will write about his death and publish it in the next issue, but he doesn’t think many people will read it. He doesn’t think he would be missed much, hardly anybody knew him.

Jisung thinks back on his life. He has some time, might as well before he can’t think anymore. It was a shitty life, he decides. There were very little things that made him happy, and even then, it was only for brief moments in time.

Jisung can’t remember the last time he smiled or laughed out of pure happiness.

With another breath, he thinks it’s time. Time to say goodbye to this world that has been everything but kind to him. Time to-

“What the hell are you doing?”

* * *

Hyunjin is in absolute disbelief when he reaches the top of the building, throwing the door open to the rooftop and immediately spotting a boy standing on the edge.

He doesn’t think twice about dropping his board and running over, grabbing the boy and pulling him off the edge. He’s surprisingly light, Hyunjin thinks, and his waist is absurdly tiny.

“Are you out of your mind?” Hyunjin cries in disbelief as he holds the boy by the shoulders, realizing that the boy was smaller than him.

The boy blinks at him in confusion, eyes scanning his face as if he’s trying to recognize Hyunjin. There’s a small “ah” escaping his lips, probably recognizing Hyunjin but there’s still confusion in his eyes, like he doesn’t expect to see Hyunjin or even have him talk to him.

“Well, I was trying to kill myself,” the boy says nonchalantly, almost as if Hyunjin was stupid enough to not realize that. “Do tell, what else would I be doing?”

Hyunjin’s eyes widen as he stares at the boy in absolute shock, dropping his hands and taking a step back, unable to shake off the dead expression in the boy’s eyes, like he’s so tired of everything. And maybe he was, maybe that’s his reason for trying to commit suicide.

But Hyunjin doesn’t understand. “W-why would you do that? How can you do that to yourself?”

The boy arches an eyebrow and clicks his tongue in annoyance. “I don’t have to answer that. It’s not your business.”

Hyunjin swallows hard. “B-but aren’t you happy with your life? I mean, there must be some bad things that happened to you to make you do this but there must be some happiness-!”

“I am not happy,” the boy interrupts, snapping so harshly it makes Hyunjin wince. “I won’t ever be happy. Now please kindly fuck off so I can leave this insufferable world.” With a huff, the boy turns around to get on the edge again.

But there’s hands grabbing his waist and he’s being pulled back into a firm chest. Flabbergasted by the sudden touch, the boy wiggles around in protest. “Let go of me, you annoying prick of a giant!”

“No!” Hyunjin keeps a firm grip around the boy, even when he keeps thrashing around like being in Hyunjin’s arms is the worst thing to happen to him. Which, _rude_.

“You don’t even know me! Why the hell do you care if I die or not?” The boy shouts, settling on biting Hyunjin’s arm.

Hyunjin yelps at the sudden pain, momentarily releasing the boy but it’s enough for him to escape and twist around to glare at Hyunjin as he crosses his arms over his chest. Hyunjin stares at the red teeth marks on his arm in disbelief, “What the fuck, are you a dog?”

“I can be worse than a dog, trust me,” the boy snarls, rolling his eyes. “Now leave me alone!”

“No,” Hyunjin frowns, stubborn. “Look, you said I don’t know you so how about we do introductions now? I’m Hyunjin. What’s your name?”

“I know who you are, bastard,” the boy snaps, clearly unimpressed by Hyunjin’s attempt to change the topic. “And I’m not telling you my name.”

“Why not?” Hyunjin asks in confusion. Nobody’s ever refused to tell him their name whenever he meets them, nobody has ever refused to talk to Hyunjin when he wants to talk to them.

What’s the deal with this boy? Who, all that Hyunjin examines closer, is really cute. Like super cute. Although right now, he looks like an angry puffball who wants to throw Hyunjin across campus.

Maybe he could.

The boy’s frown deepens. “Because I don’t want to? I don’t need to? For god’s sake, look, I won’t do anything today because you completely _destroyed_ the courage I had. Just leave me alone.” Angrily, the boy attempts to leave, grumbling under his breath about stupid people and how he should have done it earlier.

Hyunjin grabs him by the wrist, holding him back as the boy groans loudly, turning around and spatting a “what?”

“Let’s be friends!”

Hyunjin didn’t think he would be slapped so hard his neck cracks a little.

* * *

“Why are you next to me?”

“I didn’t know we were in the same class!”

Jisung groans, rubbing his temples like he just wants this nightmare to disappear, but it won’t because Hwang fucking Hyunjin was sitting right next to him and refuse to move any time soon.

After that meeting on the rooftop, Jisung decides to just attend class for the day and figure things out later since Hyunjin ruined every bit of confidence he had to jump. He thinks he would have done it too, if he hadn’t been interrupted and thrown off his momentum. Now, he just lost the will to do it. For the moment, anyway.

Jisung knows who Hwang Hyunjin is. Everybody on campus does. The boy was known for being ridiculously _handsome_ and ridiculously _popular_. And that was why Jisung hates him. Hyunjin has his own little gang that he hangs out with, has everybody at his feet, but he doesn’t act like a fucking snob and Jisung wishes he did.

That way, he wouldn’t be here after witnessing Jisung’s failed suicide attempt, trying to talk him out of it because Hwang Hyunjin was too annoying, too nosy, and too nice for his own good.

Jisung hates it. Jisung hates him.

The minute Hyunjin enters the class, he doesn’t go to his usual seat at the front. Instead, he looks up, sees Jisung for the first time even though they’ve been in the same class since the beginning of the quarter, and proceeds to go to the back and seats himself right next to Jisung.

It makes people look and Jisung doesn’t like that.

Jisung wants to move, but that would be admitting defeat. But he’s ready to swallow his pride if it meant he could be away from Hyunjin, until the professor comes in and starts class.

He has to stay in his seat.

It’s a two-hour lecture.

Jisung thinks God hasn’t finished punishing him.

“So, your name is Jisung?” Hyunjin hums from next to him, eyes on Jisung’s open notebook. “Hey, we have a few classes together! How come I’ve never seen you before?”

Jisung moves his notebook away, “Because you don’t pay attention to anything, dumbass. You’re even writing down the wrong notes.” He eyes Hyunjin’s notebook warily, seeing a few doodles here and there. “Do you listen at all?”

Hyunjin blushes a pretty pink, flipping to a fresh page. “I-I’m passing all my classes, isn’t that enough?”

“Barely passing, I’d bet,” Jisung snorts, jotting down a few notes. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Hyunjin copying him and just shakes his head. Why did he have to find Jisung instead of some other non-annoying person who would have left him alone?

Jisung tries his best to ignore Hyunjin for the rest of the class, but it’s difficult when the boy keeps whispering random things to him, even to the point of poking Jisung with his pencil if he didn’t answer.

Jisung wants to leave.

So, when the class was over, he packs his things quickly and was out the door before Hyunjin could say anything else. But then he hears the sound of wheels skidding against the concrete behind him, Jisung grits his teeth and breaks into a sprint.

“Hey!”

Jisung ignores the offended shout as he dodges other people, easily moving along because of his small body and quick, nimble steps. He thinks he’s gotten away as he turns around another corner, breathing heavily as he leans against the wall, bag close to his chest.

God, he was not athletic at all.

Jisung looks around, strains his ears to hear any sounds of skateboard wheels. He doesn’t hear anything. Sighing with relief, he adjusts his bag on his shoulder as he pulls out his water bottle.

“There you are!”

Jisung chokes on his water, spitting it out and coughing hysterically as he pounds a fist against his chest. “W-what the fuck?” Jisung coughs again, closing his water bottle and almost considers using it to hit Hyunjin. Almost.

Hyunjin beams at him brightly, seemingly unfazed by the words or the fact that he almost made Jisung choke on water. “Our next class is on the other side of campus. I was wondering where you were going? I thought we could walk together!”

“Our next class isn’t until much later,” Jisung scowls, wiping his mouth. “I don’t want to walk with you either.”

“You know what we should do? Go to the café near the library!” Hyunjin presses, ignoring Jisung’s protests. “Then we can talk about whatever and our next class. Wouldn’t that be great?”

Jisung wants to tell him no, that wouldn’t be great. In fact, it would be horrible. He was already getting looks just from sitting next to Hyunjin this morning, already getting looks for being chased down by Hyunjin. He certainly doesn’t need more attention when people see them at a café together.

Jisung likes his loner title and plans to stay that way.

Except Hwang Hyunjin, as Jisung later confirms, is an awful listener.

* * *

Jisung finds himself seated across from Hyunjin not even ten minutes later, cursing the fact that the boy had a very good grip on his wrist and didn’t stop running to let Jisung breathe. Now, Hyunjin hums as he waits to order because there’s a long line and they decided to sit first.

Well, Hyunjin decided. Jisung was just dragged along.

“Have you been here before?” Hyunjin asks, propping his chin on his palm as he rests his elbow on the table, milky brown eyes glazing at Jisung curiously.

Jisung shakes his head. It’s the most popular café on campus, but that’s especially the reason why he never comes. Too many people. Though, right now, most people would order and leave so there weren’t too many hanging around.

That doesn’t mean there still weren’t looks. And whispers.

Jisung tugs his hood on, and wonders if his face is a little bit covered now.

“What would you like?” Hyunjin questions, glancing at the dwindling line. “I can order for us.”

Jisung pauses, briefly remembering what was in his wallet. He hasn’t eaten breakfast yet, mostly because he figured he didn’t need a last meal. Now, his stomach was growling uncomfortably. He thinks it’s because of the stress that is Hwang Hyunjin.

“…cheesecake.” Jisung mutters after glancing at the menu. “And an ice Americano.” He digs into his pocket for his wallet, handing some bills to Hyunjin.

Hyunjin doesn’t take them, smiling as he stands up. “That’s okay, I can pay.”

Jisung frowns and waves the bills again. “No, I’m not letting you pay for me. I don’t want to be indebt to you.”

“Then tutor me,” Hyunjin suggests, eyes lighting up. “You did say I was barely passing, so tutor me.”

“I can easily pay for myself and you want to pay for me so I can tutor you?” Jisung says in disbelief. This boy was so unbelievable he’s starting to lose words to describe him. He goes to stand up. “You know what, I’m just gonna order for myself-”

“Nope!” Hyunjin pushes him down in his seat, dashing to the counter before Jisung could react.

When Jisung reaches the counter, Hyunjin was already handing over his card and smiles smugly as Jisung glares at him. Hyunjin waves the receipt in Jisung’s face, a grin on his lips, the bastard.

Jisung still takes his cheesecake and Americano though.

And he doesn’t complain when Hyunjin gives him more than one kind of cheesecake, stuffing them into his cheeks as he tries his hardest to glare at the boy. Except it doesn’t hold any bite with his cheeks full of food so Hyunjin coos instead.

Jisung thinks he’ll get a break since they’re both eating, but Hyunjin proceeds to ask him like twenty questions and whines when Jisung chooses to answer only a few of them. None of them are really personal, just what do you do or what do you like/dislike questions.

Like Hyunjin is interested in getting to know him.

Jisung doesn’t understand why.

“Do you have a job?” Hyunjin stirs his drink, shaking the ice cubes in the glass before wrapping his plump lips on the straw. Jisung pretends he doesn’t stare.

He’s about to answer a “yes”, but then he remembers the day before and sighs. “No, I don’t have one. I should look for one, though.”

“Then you should work here!” Hyunjin says excitedly, leaning forward a little. “The manager is really nice, I promise.”

Jisung blinks, looking around the café. He admits, it does get quieter after the rush of students leave. Also, he would have some experience after working at a restaurant. He does need the job after being fired from his last one. Since he doesn’t have the courage he’s built from everything that happened to him yesterday, he figures he could get a new job while he’s still stuck in this world.

Jisung turns back to Hyunjin, “How do you know the manager?”

“Because I work here,” Hyunjin informs him brightly. “I can put in a good word for you! Besides, the staff members are just my friends anyway.”

Now that makes Jisung rethink things. It’s bad enough that Hyunjin insists following him around to classes, but having to spend his work hours with him too? Honestly, the situation was growing from bad to worse by the second.

Jisung finally sighs, setting his fork down on the empty plate. “Look, we really don’t know each other. You found me by accident this morning, and you only just realized we were in the same classes. I even _slapped_ you. What, pray tell, do you have to gain by doing this? By hanging around with someone like me?”

“What do you mean, ‘someone like you’?” Hyunjin blinks in confusion, almost like a lost puppy. The fact that he generally looks so confused, like it hasn’t occurred to him that he and Jisung are from two entirely different worlds, makes Jisung baffled. “Besides, I’m fine with the slap! I’m pretty sure I just caught you off guard.”

Jisung doesn’t understand why someone so pure like Hyunjin would want to be around someone so tainted like him.

It isn’t right.

“We’re not supposed to be seen together, Hyunjin.” Jisung explains slowly, as if he’s teaching a toddler. He might as well be. “You’re popular, and everybody loves you. I’m just a loner. Nobody knows me, probably don’t even realize I exist. So even if I jump off the rooftop this morning, nobody will care.”

There’s no bitterness in his words, not even anger. It was more like defeat or even acceptance that life was just this way and there was no way he could change it.

“I care!” Hyunjin grabs Jisung’s hand and holds it tightly. Jisung winces, because that was his bad hand. Hyunjin panics, immediately releasing his tight grip but still cradles Jisung’s hand. “I know you exist! You don’t have to die, Jisung-ah. Please, we can be friends!”

“Hyunjin, if you hadn’t seen me this morning, you wouldn’t have known me-!”

“Then it’s fate I found you this morning!” Hyunjin presses, and Jisung really can’t believe the boy was referring to their meeting as “fate” like it was some destiny he found Jisung before he could kill himself. “Give me some time, I can prove to you that life is much happier than you could ever imagine. So please, Jisung, stay with me longer.”

And Jisung really doesn’t know what to say. Because in this little café, with the campus’s prince Hwang Hyunjin holding his hand like he’s desperate to not let go, giving him the purest look of a kind and naïve heart who thinks he can fix Jisung’s broken soul, Jisung doesn’t even know what to think.

Jisung’s broken. He knows that. He’s been broken for so long, he thinks it might have started when his mother left him for a lover instead of staying to care for her only son.

It’s not even his soul that’s broken, but his body too after being abused by his father for so long. Even now, Hyunjin probably doesn’t realize Jisung’s hiding bruises and cuts under his oversized clothing.

Jisung doesn’t think Hyunjin can do it, doesn’t believe Hyunjin can show him a life worth living for. He’s always imagined it, always imagined what if he was actually _happy_ with his life and didn’t dread breathing every day? What if he wanted to _live_ instead of ending his life? They’ll say he was too young, they’ll say he should have had more time to do something.

But what would he do? Jisung doesn’t have any big goals or dreams. He just has his writing, and even that was a fickle career.

Hyunjin doesn’t let go of his hand, patiently waiting for Jisung’s answer with those eyes full of hope and determination. Jisung doesn’t know how to turn away, because what was he supposed to do?

Hyunjin shouldn’t even be helping him, Jisung’s been so rude to the boy. It’s a miracle he’s still here.

Maybe it’s a miracle he found Jisung this morning too.

“_Okay_.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And when Jisung practically glows in pride, Hyunjin realizes then Jisung has the prettiest smile.

Hyunjin is proud of himself.

Weeks has passed since his first encounter with Jisung, and he thinks he’s doing a great job of keeping his promise.

Hyunjin immediately got Jisung the job, even begging Woojin to change his shift schedule so he could be the one teaching Jisung everything. He introduced Jisung to his friend group, everybody immediately welcoming him with open arms.

Hyunjin doesn’t tell anybody how they met, just that he ran into Jisung on the rooftop that morning. He figures it isn’t something he can tell.

Hyunjin finds that Jisung gets along with everybody, even at first he didn’t open up to any of them. It took a while for them to coax him out of his shell, the first being Woojin who was Jisung’s manager after all, so he spent the most time talking to Jisung until he became comfortable enough. Afterwards, it was much easier for everybody else.

Jisung was still a little rude at times, but Hyunjin likes to think it’s because he’s shy. Besides, he just looks like an angry squirrel. When Hyunjin tells him that, Jisung blushed a bright red and smacked his arm painfully. Hyunjin doesn’t know why such a small person has so much power (don’t tell Changbin).

But sometimes, Jisung gets distant. Like, he doesn’t come to hang out or responds to any of them. Sometimes, he would snap or get upset out of the blue and storm off. Later, he would come back with an apology. Sometimes, there would be bandages and when they would ask, he would smile and say it’s because he fell, or did something clumsy.

Hyunjin doesn’t believe it. Nobody does. But they don’t pry because Jisung doesn’t want to talk about it.

Hyunjin wishes he would talk about it.

* * *

It’s a rainy morning when Hyunjin realizes something.

There’s been a downpour that started in the middle of the night and continued to the morning.

Hyunjin and Jisung had a routine.

Since they realized they were, in fact, in the same dorm building, just different floors, they made an agreement to meet on the ground floor before heading to their first class together. Well, Hyunjin was the first to insist, and Jisung had given in.

“I hope you have an umbrella,” Jisung doesn’t greet Hyunjin, just says the first thing that comes to mind when he woke up and saw the downpour.

Hyunjin grins, holding up a black umbrella in his hand. “I do. Stole it from Minho-hyung though.”

“He’s going to beat your ass later,” Jisung says, but there’s a twinkle in his eyes that shows Hyunjin he definitely doesn’t mind messing with their hyung. Minho adores Jisung, so Hyunjin doesn’t think he has anything to worry about.

“Then we better get going before he finds out,” Hyunjin shrugs, playful smile on his lips.

Jisung glances down, then looks back up. “What, no skateboard today?”

“It’s pouring, Jisungie.” Hyunjin says, opening the umbrella. Luckily, it was one of those big ones. Perfect for the two of them. “I could fall.”

“And break your neck probably,” Jisung muses, “since you don’t even wear a helmet.”

Hyunjin fake gasps, bringing his hand to his heart dramatically, even sniffing to make a point. “I can’t believe you would want me to get hurt! What is this? The sound of betrayal! I don’t think I can go on!”

Jisung rolls his eyes and goes to take the umbrella instead. “Oh, stop being such a dramatic loser. Let’s go, I’m hungry. I can’t be in a two-hour lecture without food.”

“No more cheesecake, my wallet can’t keep up!” Hyunjin complains as they start walking out, whistling when he hears how hard the rain pours on the umbrella. He huddles closer to Jisung as they walk along the sidewalk.

Jisung scoffs, “It’s not my fault you keep paying for my food. I told you I can pay on my own. I have a job now.”

“Well, I like paying for you,” Hyunjin hums. “So, I suppose I can tolerate it longer.”

Jisung arches an eyebrow as he turns his head slightly. “What do you mean, tolerate it? I have to tutor you!”

“Yes, and now I’m not _barely_ passing, I’m doing _decent_,” Hyunjin grins cheekily. “It’s thanks to you, Mr. Han!”

Jisung wrinkles his nose in disgust, scowling. “Do not call me that again, oh my god.”

Hyunjin merely chuckles. “Oh, right. There’s a party next weekend. You wanna come? The others are going too.”

“A college party? No thanks,” Jisung shakes his head as they reach the building, folding the umbrella once they make it inside and shaking off the drops.

Hyunjin giggles when some drops land on him and Jisung grins, shaking them more in the taller male’s direction until he shouts for him to stop in laughter.

“Why not? It would be fun, plus midterms are over this week. We won’t have anything to stop us,” Hyunjin says as they walk to class, going to their seats at the back like usual.

People who stared at first have grown used to the sight, even if they still occasionally look and whisper.

Jisung ignores them.

“Hyunjin, I don’t like socializing. You saw how long I took just to warm up to the others,” Jisung mutters as he pulls out his notebook, flipping to a blank page. He plays around with his pen as he hums. “Besides, people just go to get drunk and play dumb games.”

“Then don’t talk to other people,” Hyunjin says. “Just talk to us, you can stay with me the whole time.”

Jisung eyes him warily. “Don’t you, I don’t know, want to have fun too? You don’t have to babysit me.”

Hyunjin smiles, “No, I don’t really care about other people. I’m just going to have fun with you and the others. Let’s have some fun, Jisungie. Please?”

Jisung, as he realizes sometime in those weeks after their first meeting, cannot say “no” to Hwang Hyunjin. He’s usually good at refusing people, it’s how he developed his giving-no-fucks attitude in the first place. Except Hyunjin was another story, especially with his pouty lips and puppy eyes.

Sighing, “I’ll come, but I might leave early.”

“That’s fine!” Hyunjin brightens, “We can leave whenever you want.”

Jisung pauses, “You don’t have to leave when I do. You can stay longer.”

Hyunjin shakes his head as he pulls out his phone, typing in the group chat that Jisung was attending the party too. “Nope, I said I would keep you company. If you leave, I’ll leave too.”

Jisung pretends he isn’t touched by the statement.

* * *

The class ends and when they reach the doors of the building, they see raindrops continue to pour.

Hyunjin hums as he sticks a hand out, catching drops on his palm. “Well, it wasn’t as bad as this morning. I think it’s lightened up a bit.” An idea comes to him and he steps out into the rain fully, laughing when the rain falls on him but he figures it’s alright, refreshing even.

“Oh my god, you fool! Come back here before you catch a cold!” Jisung scolds, holding the umbrella.

“You come here,” Hyunjin beckons, wolfish smile on his lips. “Come on, Sungie, it’s fun!”

Jisung doesn’t even get the chance to protest before Hyunjin’s grabbing his hand and pulling him out to the rain, the umbrella falling from his other hand as he yelps when the cold rain hits his warm skin.

Hyunjin’s laughing with delight as he takes both of Jisung’s hands and spins them around, completely not minding the fact that both could very well get sick later. Jisung screams when Hyunjin suddenly lifts him upwards, hands steady on his waist.

Jisung quickly places his hands on Hyunjin’s shoulders to anchor himself, glaring at the boy who continues to laugh cheerfully. “I hate you so much.”

“Aw, I like you too.”

There’s rain pouring, and suddenly there’s light despite the rain which meant the sun finally decided to emerge from its slumber.

Hyunjin’s eyes widen when light shines on them, the drops on their body twinkling as they reflect the sunlight. He thinks he sees a rainbow behind Jisung, but he’s a little busy staring in awe as the smaller boy practically glows in the sunlight, raindrops falling softly now.

“Isn’t it fun?” Hyunjin says breathlessly as he spins Jisung around again. The smaller boy was too light for his own good, Hyunjin makes a mental note to feed him more.

There’s a pause, before a small smile spreads on Jisung’s lips, until a laugh escapes and he’s suddenly in a small fit of delight. Hyunjin’s breath catches as Jisung laughs freely, the sound ringing like chimes in the wind.

“Yeah, I guess it is fun.”

Hyunjin realizes then Jisung has the cutest laugh.

* * *

There’s another thing Hyunjin realizes later.

“I can’t believe you convinced me to do this,” Jisung groans, holding a helmet in his hands as he eyes the skateboard on the ground warily. “What if I die?”

Hyunjin rolls his eyes. “You won’t die, it’s just a skateboard, Sung. Besides, you have me as your teacher!”

They’re at a nearby park, having walked the way there from campus. Hyunjin’s skateboard was in the middle of the two of them, looking a little lonely as if it’s calling for someone to ride it. Except Jisung was scared out of his mind and Hyunjin was all too eager for Jisung to ride.

Hyunjin thinks this is a great opportunity for Jisung to try something new, especially when all he does is study and write in that notebook of his. When Hyunjin tried to peek once, because he was curious as to what Jisung was constantly writing when he wasn’t taking notes, Jisung immediately shut the notebook and shoved it into his bag.

“You don’t even wear a helmet when you ride!” Jisung argues. “How am I supposed to trust such an unsafe person?”

Hyunjin pouts. “Oh, come on! You said I could choose our next hangout if I did well on the midterm! Don’t you remember my glorious B+?”

“Oh yes, and the rest of your B- and that occasional C+?” Jisung says, sarcasm dripping like honey from his voice.

Hyunjin pretends not to hear. Instead, he slides the skateboard towards Jisung. “Put on your helmet already, Ji! Let’s get started.”

With a long and unnecessarily drawn out sigh, Jisung places on the helmet. He makes sure to tightly secure it, he wasn’t about to fall and break his skull any time soon. Hesitantly, he places a foot on the board, sliding it a few times. It moves pretty easily, Jisung thinks.

“Get on,” Hyunjin urges, eyes twinkling with excitement. Skateboarding is like, his thing. He loves it with his heart and soul, so showing Jisung this important part of him was something he _had_ to do.

Jisung takes a deep breath, sending a silent prayer for whoever could be watching him from up above, and places one foot first, then the other, until he’s standing still on the board. He’s frozen, like he doesn’t know what else to do now that he’s on the board. “Now what?”

“Now you move,” Hyunjin advises. Jisung gives him a look that clearly shows his inability to do said thing. The taller chuckles, “Put one foot down and slide the board forward. Make sure you bend your knees a little and keep your balance.”

Jisung does as he was told, squeaking when the board sets off and both his feet are on the board. He has his arms straight out for balance, flailing as he tries not to fall the more the board goes. “Help me!”

Hyunjin reaches for his hands and moves along with the board, guiding Jisung who grips his hands in a death hold.

Jisung can’t keep his eyes off the board, mostly because his legs are frozen in place and the only thing that keeps the board moving is the fact that they were on a smooth road with little friction.

He thinks this is a death trap, which meant it’s definitely a bad idea.

“Ji, look up. Look at me,” Hyunjin’s soft voice slowly tears Jisung’s eyes away from the board and directs them at Hyunjin’s milky brown orbs. “Hey there. I want you to put one foot down and push the board again, can you do that?”

Jisung gulps, “Can you keep holding my hand?” It wasn’t that he likes holding Hyunjin’s hand, it’s just that he’s scared and needs to feel grounded, okay?

“Of course.”

Jisung repeats his earlier action, quickly putting his foot on the board again once it speeds up from its already decreasing acceleration. Hyunjin’s feet quickens to a light jog as he keeps pace with the board, only holding one of Jisung’s hands now so he could face forward.

After a while, Jisung gets comfortable enough to keep the board moving without Hyunjin asking him to, and his grip on Hyunjin’s hand slowly loosens.

When Hyunjin does let him go, Jisung almost reaches for his hand again before he realizes he shouldn’t if he wants to do this right. Albeit a little shaky, Jisung does move forward on his own. It’s only for a little bit, but he does feel a sense of victory when he’s able to stop properly.

“Did you see that? I did it, Hyunjin!” Jisung whirls around as Hyunjin catches up with him, eyes in little crescents and lips curved in a cute heart shape as he beams brightly. “I did it! And without your help even!”

Hyunjin pauses. He takes in the hair plastered to Jisung’s forehead from the helmet, takes in the little dance he’s doing, takes in the bright and gleeful smile on his face, and he can’t help but feel a tingly feeling inside.

A smile slowly graces his lips. “Yeah, you did so well. I’m proud of you, Jisungie.”

And when Jisung practically glows in pride, Hyunjin realizes then Jisung has the prettiest smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as someone who doesn't know anything about skateboarding, I struggled :^


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was that moment did Jisung realize he’s completely fallen for Hwang Hyunjin, and his heart hurts because he knows Hyunjin will never love him back.

“Why are you two here again?”

“Because you need to look good, Jisung! You need to look _hot_.”

Jisung begs to differ, especially when Seungmin and Felix continue to rampage through his closet like it’s their own.

He’s been lucky enough to have a dorm room to himself, mostly because his roommate showed up at the beginning of the quarter and suddenly left. Since they couldn’t change the arrangement, Jisung was allowed to stay by himself.

Hyunjin comes over sometimes, mostly when he gets kicked out by Minho who keeps bringing Seungmin over. Jisung doesn’t mind, uses the time to tutor Hyunjin until the boy complains his brain can’t take any more studying. They usually order take-out and binge-watch dramas on the extra bed.

“I really don’t see the point in this, nobody would hit on me guys,” Jisung says as he stands in front of the extra bed where there’s outfits spread all over.

There’s only grunts that answered him. “You don’t have anything interesting except these jeans!” Seungmin shouts in frustration, holding up a pair of faded blue ripped jeans Jisung doesn’t even remember buying but they’re in his closet for some reason.

Jisung blinks. “Well, yeah? It’s not like I have clothes for partying considering how, I don’t know, don’t party? At all?”

Seungmin casts a look at Felix, who plops the bag he’s been holding this whole time onto the bed. Jisung watches as the two start looking through the bag, eventually pulling out some items.

He chokes on nothing. “I am _not_ wearing those.”

Seungmin has the most sinister smile on his innocent, puppy face as he steps closer, holding the items. “Oh yes, you are. I promised Minho-hyung I’ll make you look hot and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.”

Felix holds up a few makeup brushes. “Hurry up and get dressed so I can do your makeup!”

“This is completely unnecessary!” Jisung complains when Seungmin dumps the clothes in his arms and shoves him into the bathroom, leaning against the door so Jisung can’t get out.

“Just shut up and do it!” Seungmin calls. “We can’t be late, you know!”

Jisung thinks he deserves to complain the whole time, especially when he’s not even allowed to see how he looks until they’re finished. When they step back, his friends whistle lowly. “Darn, you look like a whole snack.”

Jisung doesn’t think he would agree, especially when both his friends have boyfriends. But when he looks at himself in the mirror, he swallows. Okay, so _maybe_ he looks different from how he usually is. Maybe he looks a little _better_ than he thought.

He’s wearing those ripped jeans from before, fitting his legs snugly and beneath them are fishnets. The minute he saw them he really wanted to kill Seungmin, but they do complete the look, so he supposes it’s okay for now. The ripped parts don’t show any of his bruises, so he’s grateful for that.

On top he has a black crop top that’s long enough to not show his stomach unless he lifts his arms, and a short jeans jacket over it. Felix adds a black choker around his neck, claiming it’s perfect. They added a bit of smoky makeup on his eyes and coated his lips with a nice cherry gloss.

Jisung has to admit, they made him look good. Hot even, but he doesn’t have much of an ego, so he figures he’s decent enough.

“God, when Hyunjin sees you…” Seungmin mutters, fixing Jisung’s hair a little to give it more of a carefree look.

Jisung’s cheeks flare a soft pink. It’s no secret to him that their friends think that there’s something going on between the two, but Jisung swears they’re just friends.

No matter how hard he tries to tell them that there was no way Hyunjin and him could be dating, because Hyunjin was way out of his league and probably wouldn’t even consider Jisung as a potential dating candidate, they don’t listen. In fact, they insist the two would make a cute couple.

Jisung denies it, because there’s absolutely no way Hyunjin likes him. Hyunjin only became his friend because he was the one who found Jisung that morning, he was the one who stopped Jisung from killing himself. If anything, Hyunjin probably believed it was his duty to keep the promise he made to Jisung that day.

And he’s been doing well. Some days, Jisung goes back to thinking everything and everybody was against him, that he couldn’t do anything at all. But most days, he’s feeling a little lighter, smiling a bit more, and even laughing a little.

He hasn’t thought of killing himself again, even though depression continues to linger and threatens to swallow him whole sometimes. He’s grateful his friends don’t pry, just let him have his time alone before they’re coming with murmurs of support and cuddles. He’s lucky to even have friends now, especially those who respect and support him wholeheartedly.

Jisung still has problems with his father, but he learns to not let the harmful words affect him too badly.

Sometimes, it gets really bad and he has to shut himself in his room for a few days. Sometimes, he gets injured more than he thought and has to avoid work for a while because he couldn’t cover it up.

But nobody asks directly, just stays with him and there’s a silent “_we’re here for you_” that Jisung’s grateful for, but he’s still too afraid to say anything.

“Come on, Sungie. Let’s wow everybody.”

* * *

The party is loud.

Jisung can’t stop the ringing in his ear the minute they pull up to the party venue, which was a whole floor of some condo by some rich upperclassman. Felix immediately hooks his arm with Chan, who was their driver for the night, as Seungmin and Jisung follow the couple inside. The others were already there apparently.

When they get inside, Jisung confirms that a college party is definitely a bunch of crazy college students who want to get drunk and do stupid shit. He’s not surprised when there’s games with people taking shots, dancing like they can’t do anything except move to the music, and many plastered together like they’re one body.

They try to find the others.

Woojin and Changbin are the first to be spotted, the couple participating in some poker game that Changbin was definitely losing in but Woojin was actually gathering some money. Jeongin was chatting with his friends, nursing a cup of coke because Chan forbid him from drinking any alcohol. After a while, Chan and Felix wanders off to the dance floor, leaving Seungmin and Jisung to find the last two.

Jisung isn’t gonna lie, he’s a little nervous as he keeps fiddling with the sleeve of his jean jacket. It’s the first time he’s ever worn such blazon clothing, usually settling for oversized hoodies or shirts and casual jeans. He’s lucky Seungmin had let him wear his black converses.

“Minho-hyung!” Seungmin’s eyes lit up when he sees his boyfriend, immediately throwing his arms around the older’s neck as hands goes to rest on his waist.

Minho hums, pecking Seungmin’s lips. “Hi, baby.” He spots Jisung trailing behind, grinning wickedly. “Oh, you did _good_.”

Jisung whines as Seungmin beams. “Why would you let him do this to me? You know I don’t wear these things!”

“Ji, trust me, we’re doing you a favor.” Minho assures him, looking around. “That’s odd, Hyunjin was with me earlier.”

Maybe this was a mistake, Jisung thinks. Maybe he should go home, change perhaps, before Hyunjin sees him. Jisung was never confident in his looks, and although he does admit he looks better today than most days, he’s still unsure if he wants Hyunjin to see him.

“Hey I brought drinks-… _oh_.”

Jisung’s breath catches as he regards the boy standing in front of them holding two plastic red cups in his hands, staring right back at Jisung with lips slightly ajar.

Hyunjin is always handsome, that much Jisung knows and believes. But the Hyunjin standing in the dim lights of the party, with music blasting everywhere, is different than usual.

He’s wearing a silky, loose white and red collared short-sleeved shirt tucked into his black slacks that made his already long legs look even longer. There’re several buttons undone at the top and if he turns just right, one can see the sliver of skin of his chest. There’s smoky makeup around his eyes, and his full lips are tinted a little red today.

Those lips, Jisung thinks, might be the death of him. Especially when they curl into a small smile, milky brown eyes roaming Jisung’s body that he squirms a little. “Jisungie…you look good.” Hyunjin’s voice is a little breathless, voice not even above a murmur but he’s standing right in front of Jisung that the smaller boy could smell his scent; honey.

“Seungmin and Felix dressed me up,” was all Jisung could say. “You, um,” he clears his throat, hoping his ears weren’t as red as he thinks they are, “you look good too…”

Hyunjin chuckles lowly. “Yeah? I would hope so, took a while before Minho-hyung said I was ready.”

Minho snorts from where he’s standing with his arm around Seungmin’s waist, and Jisung suddenly remembers their friends were here. That makes him a little redder.

“As much fun as this is, we’re going off on our own,” Minho says. “Jisung-ah, don’t drink too much. Hyunjin will stay with you, but make sure you two come to either me or Chan-hyung or Woojin-hyung to take you home, okay?”

They nod and Jisung waves as the couple disappears into the crowd. When he turns back to Hyunjin, the older was offering him a drink. “They told me it’s the least alcoholic thing here. It’s some fruit punch, I think.”

Jisung takes a sip and hums, feeling the fruity drink tingling the insides of his mouth. He drinks a little more. “Wow, it’s actually good. Very sweet.”

Hyunjin laughs as he drinks, “Of course you would like it. You have such a sweet tooth.”

Jisung doesn’t comment, drowning the rest of the drink. He doesn’t usually drink, but the punch was a lot better than he expected. “Where did you find this? I want more.”

Hyunjin shakes his head, taking the empty cup from Jisung’s hand. “Nope, if we start now, neither of us will stop. Let’s check out the party first.”

“You said it’s the least alcoholic!” Jisung pouts as Hyunjin throws both cups away at a nearby trash can.

“It won’t be if you keep drinking it,” Hyunjin points out, grabbing Jisung by the hand. “Come on, let’s have some fun, Jisungie.”

Jisung still stands by his ground that college parties are for people to do dumb shit, but Hyunjin does make it tolerable. They jump from game to game, only playing for a short while before one of them loses interest and they move onto the next. They don’t play any inappropriate games, because neither was interested.

They do get more of that fruit punch though. Jisung even got Hyunjin to admit that despite it being too sweet for his tastes, it _was _delicious.

And maybe it’s because he keeps consuming the drink that Jisung is loosening up a little more. He’s talking and laughing easily with absolute strangers when they play, and even though he knows he’ll never talk to them again after this party, he still grins and plays whatever game they get invited to.

For once, Jisung lets himself have fun.

Hyunjin is clingy when he’s drunk, Jisung realizes. Even though they drank about the same amount, Jisung thinks his mind is clearer than Hyunjin’s. Mostly because the taller is giggling more, cheeks flushed a pretty red, and keeps pressing himself against Jisung whenever he can.

“Jisung, Jisungie, Sungie,” Hyunjin rambles as he drapes himself on Jisung. His voice lowers to a mutter, breath blowing on Jisung’s ear, making a shiver run through the smaller boy’s spine. “Let’s go dance.”

“Sure.”

Normally, Jisung would refuse. Normally, Jisung would do everything he could to back out because Han Jisung does_ not_ dance.

However, tipsy Jisung was another story. He lets Hyunjin lead him onto the dance floor, lets him put his larger hands on Jisung’s small waist and holds him firmly. Hyunjin’s the one who’s leading him as they dance together, bodies moving to the beat and completely ignoring the people around them.

Jisung’s eyes are closed as he lets Hyunjin guide him, humming a little when he hears a song he likes. There are fingers sliding under his crop top, pulling him a little closer until he’s pressed up against a body, hands resting on a firm chest.

Jisung opens his eyes, and he thinks his heart stops for a moment because Hyunjin’s eyes seem to see through his very soul, darken by the dim lights and illuminating with vivid colors by the disco ball overhead.

“Jisung…” Hyunjin murmurs, and the smaller boy freezes when fingers start rubbing small circles onto his bare skin. “You look really good today.”

The younger coughs a small, nervous laugh. “Y-yeah, you already told me earlier, Hyunjin.”

The taller merely hums, continuing his actions and clearly have no idea how much Jisung was freaking out.

It’s hot. Jisung was cold before when they were outside, but now he feels as if his whole body was on fire. He feels like he’s going to melt, and even now he thinks he’s becoming a little putty because Hyunjin’s cold fingers are nice against his hot skin. He squeaks when he feels lips brush against his forehead, face flaring.

Hyunjin doesn’t move away, just mutters, “Let’s go somewhere quiet. I think we should take a break.”

“Okay.”

Luckily, they find an empty bedroom upstairs. It’s at the end of the hallway too, away from the occupied bedrooms which was great because nobody needs to hear that. They sit on the bed, drinking some much-needed water so neither of them wakes up with a horrible headache tomorrow.

“How was your first college party, Jisungie?” Hyunjin asks, sitting with some distance between them on the bed. Jisung’s grateful for that because his heart was still beating from earlier.

He hums, playing with his empty cup after drowning his water. “I still think people come to do dumb shit. But,” a small smile appears on his lips, “I had a lot of fun today. Thanks for staying with me, Hyunjin.”

“Of course, I said I would stay with you and I did,” Hyunjin says, shifting so he can look at Jisung properly. “I’m glad you had fun today.”

Jisung chuckles. “It’s hard not to, especially when you’re here. Somehow, I always have fun with you, Hyunjin-ah.”

“Yeah?” Hyunjin’s lips curve into a warm smile, eyes softening. “I always have fun with you too. I like being with you, Sungie.”

Jisung’s heart beats a little faster, and he’s feeling hot again. He blames it on the alcohol for making him so easily flustered, though it isn’t hard when you’re with someone as gorgeous as Hyunjin. “You do?”

“Yes.”

There’s a moment of silence, not awkward, just comfortable with both smiling softly at each other. Neither of them knows who leans in first, but suddenly lips are press together in the softest of kisses.

There’s no fireworks, no butterflies, but Jisung thinks his heart is about to explode. Maybe jump out of his chest while it’s at it.

Jisung knows this is wrong, knows something like this wouldn’t have happen if they weren’t both under the influence. But Hyunjin’s lips are so, so _soft_ and they feel so, so _nice_ press against his that he almost whines when they break apart.

Almost.

There’s a dazed look that glazes Hyunjin’s eyes, and Jisung sees himself being mirrored in those orbs. “It’s sweet. Really sweet,” Hyunjin murmurs, voice hush as if he’s afraid to break the little serenity they have.

“Probably the punch,” Jisung whispers just as quietly. “And the lip gloss Felix put on me. It’s cherry.”

“Really?” Hyunjin licks his lips, humming when he tastes the lingering gloss. “Wanna taste again.”

And Jisung should have refused, should have said no and gotten up to find someone to take them home. They were both clearly out of it, probably don’t even realize what they’re doing.

He should have stopped when they were barely touching that fine line between friendship and something more.

Hyunjin wasn’t supposed to kiss him, wasn’t supposed to ask for another kiss either. They weren’t together.

Someone like Jisung could never be with someone like Hyunjin.

Hyunjin was the star Jisung wants to desperately reach but never will because they were in two different worlds.

Jisung really shouldn’t.

“So kiss me again.”

Hyunjin doesn’t hesitate, capturing Jisung’s lips again in a soft kiss. They don’t take things far, just exchanging soft kisses over and over again. Hyunjin reaches for Jisung’s hand that’s gripping the bed sheets tightly, threading their fingers together as he leans closer.

Jisung knows he’s going to regret this later, knows this is a horrible mistake he was making. But in the quiet bedroom with only moonlight shining through the windows and onto the spot where they’re sitting on the bed, breaths panting and lips pressing together softly, he doesn’t think about it.

His hazy mind doesn’t think about the regrets he’ll have later, he just wants to enjoy the moment while it lasts.

It was that moment did Jisung realize he’s completely fallen for Hwang Hyunjin, and his heart hurts because he knows Hyunjin will never love him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think !! :))


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He just smiles because of one reason, because of one person.

They don’t talk about the kiss afterwards.

Jisung remembers, he remembers everything to the very last detail. But he doesn’t think Hyunjin remembers.

The boy continues to treat Jisung as he always does, only mentioning things up to the dancing part. It saddens him, but he thinks it’s for the best. Especially when he’s still trying to accept his feelings for the older male.

It’s times like these where he’s lucky he has an outlet to project his feelings. He writes his thoughts down in his notebook, filling pages as some inspiration comes back to him. To think, just having an unstable emotional state would help him write more than he’s written in months.

Maybe he should submit something for the newspaper, well the school’s journal now, again. He just needs to figure out how to put all these emotions into something that can be submitted. It’s been a while since he’s last used his pen name, but maybe it’s time.

* * *

The holidays are quickly approaching, and everybody is making plans to leave the dorms to visit their families. Some were leaving right after their last final, while others were waiting til the end of the week to leave.

Jisung doesn’t tell them he doesn’t want to go back home, doesn’t want to face his father again. Usually on Christmas, bars close so his father will have no choice but to be at home.

Jisung has no choice but to be at home.

The temperature was dropping the closer they got to the end of the year, so there was no way he could keep wandering outside for hours. He figures he’ll stay in his room, with the door closed if possible. He’s just going to be writing anyway.

“Jisung, make sure you send me your address later, okay?” Chan says as he stands with his suitcase, about to leave to visit his family in Australia along with Felix. “We’re having our New Year’s party on the Eve, so I’ll pick you up.”

Jisung nods, smiles a little. “Okay, I’ll do that. Have a good flight, Chan-hyung.” He grins when Felix comes to hug him, patting his back gently. “You too, Lix.”

He waves as they get into the car and drive away, hand falling once they’re out of sight. He hears footsteps behind him, craning his neck to see Hyunjin wheeling his suitcase out.

Hyunjin stops in front of him, and he sees Minho following closely behind. The others already left for their winter break vacation. “Are you sure you don’t want us to drive you? We can drop you off.”

Jisung shakes his head, shifting his duffle bag on his shoulder. “No, that’s okay. I’m taking the bus. You guys just drive safely.”

Hyunjin chews his lips, worry in his eyes but he lets it go. “Okay, we’ll see you on the Eve then.” He reaches to pull Jisung into a lingering hug, but the younger pretends not to question it.

“Yeah, see you.”

* * *

When Jisung gets home, it’s silent.

He thinks it might be because of two things. Either his father was asleep somewhere, or he was out.

In any case, Jisung steps into the all too familiar house, with the blank walls and lack of decoration. Those things used to be his mother’s hobby. When she left, his father threw everything out. What was once a home decorated by many things was now just an empty shell of its past self.

Jisung thinks the house is a little like him. Lonely, like an empty canvas.

Except now, he thinks there’s some colored spots on his canvas. He decides it’s a good thing.

When he gets into his room, he doesn’t bother unpacking. There’s not much left in his room, then again, he never had that much stuff in the first place. There weren’t any posters or little pieces of décor. Just a bed, desk, bookshelf and his closet.

Jisung sits on the old office chair, he got it during a garage sale when he was in middle school. The owner had taken pity on him when all he could bring out was a few dollar bills and given him the chair for free.

He remembers being extra quiet when he was bringing the chair home, throwing out his old one because it was broken beyond repair after his father threw it against the wall.

His father never knew.

Jisung slides the chair towards his bookshelf, fingers briefly touching his old notebooks. He pulls one out, flipping the pages until it stops on one. His eyes scan the words, feeling a sense of bittersweet.

The Jisung back then didn’t have much to live for, huh?

Now, he thinks he’s a little better. No, he knows he’s better. He doesn’t have reoccurring nightmares, nor does he feel like he can’t do anything every single day. He has his off days, sure, but it’s less than what it was before.

Jisung doesn’t think he’s completely cured, doesn’t think his broken soul is completely healed, but he thinks it’s better. It didn’t worsen, instead it improved. How much, he doesn’t quite know.

All he knows is that he’s starting to look forward to waking up and starting his day. He’s looking forward to live each day, instead of waiting for death to take him. He’s been writing more too, putting his feelings on paper because it comforts him to have an outlet for them.

Part of him knows this was because of Hyunjin, because of that silly little deal they made when they first met. He expected Hyunjin to grow tired of him and leave, Jisung never expected him to keep his word at all.

But Hyunjin stayed.

He stayed with Jisung this whole time, expanded Jisung’s world and even helped heal him. Jisung knows he might be confusing his feelings for Hyunjin because he was the one who helped him, but when he thinks about his rapidly beating heart when they kissed, he doesn’t have any doubt.

Jisung is in love with Hwang Hyunjin.

It terrifies him.

He doesn’t want to tell Hyunjin. He’s not going to tell him.

Jisung thinks back to his latest draft in his notebook, pulling it out and reading. He’s been working on it for a while now, hiding it from Hyunjin whenever the boy tried to peek. This might be the one, he thinks as he grabs his pen, jotting down some more ideas.

It might be his best work yet, Jisung muses.

* * *

It’s Christmas.

Jisung isn’t surprised to see his father passed out on the couch when he goes downstairs to make himself breakfast. There’s bottles of soju and beer littered all over the living room, even take out bags on the table.

Jisung ignores it. The more he pretends not to see, the better his life will be.

He stays in his room for the rest of the day. There’s not much he’s been doing all break other than write, he swears he’s written more in these few days than he has in months.

Sometimes, he sits on his bed and texts his friends. But they’re all pretty busy with their families, so Jisung makes sure he doesn’t bother them too much.

Hyunjin texts him the most. Everyday, the boy sends him cute pictures and videos of his dog, Kkami. Or, he sends videos of himself skateboarding around his neighborhood. Jisung’s honestly amazed he doesn’t fall while he’s filming himself.

Jisung did ask one day why Hyunjin never wore a helmet. The older merely grinned and said it’s because he was too much of a pro that he doesn’t need to.

Jisung thinks, no he knows, those words will definitely come back to bite Hyunjin one day. Still, he stays quiet and nods because Hyunjin looks a little proud of himself that Jisung would hate to bruise his ego.

Not that he hasn’t done it often already.

Jisung shows his affection in odd ways, okay? Don’t judge.

It’s late in the evening when Jisung hears shuffling downstairs, signaling that his father was probably fully awake by now. He ignores it as usual, his father hasn’t bothered him so far.

But then there’s shouts of his name being called from downstairs, and Jisung groans out loud. What could he possibly want now? Jisung hasn’t done anything, he stayed out of his sight this whole time.

Jisung mulls over whether to go or not, until he decides it’s better to go then have his father come up here and mess up his room. With a sigh, he closes his notebook and safely tucks it under his mattress.

He’s had his notebooks ripped before and he can’t afford to lose this one.

Jisung should be scared when he walks downstairs, but he isn’t. He thinks it’s because he’s been through this so many times that he’s just…used to it. It isn’t something to be proud of, but Jisung’s been able to withstand the hits from his father without crying for a while now.

He does try his best to avoid getting hit anywhere too painful, trying to minimize the cuts and bruises as much he can. He figures it’s alright since he hasn’t had to go to the hospital yet.

His father is waiting for him in the living room, surrounded by the trash he didn’t clean up, it seems. His arms are crossed over his chest, and he has the usual snarl on his face whenever he sees Jisung. “About time you greet your father, you fucking son of a bitch.”

Jisung doesn’t point out that it was his father who married said “bitch” in the first place, just stays quiet as his father continues to rant and spat hate words. He’s grown numb to the insults by this point, merely drowning out the noise as he stands by the staircase.

After a while, his father notices his lack of response, face growing a beet red. Growling, he reaches for a nearby beer bottle and throws it at Jisung.

Luckily, his aim was off so it only hits the wall next to the boy, flinching when a scattered piece of glass makes a little cut on his neck.

That only seems to anger the man more, because he suddenly comes forward and punches Jisung square in the stomach. Jisung grunts, hand immediately wrapping around his abdomen. His father goes to punch him again, but Jisung blocks it with his other arm.

Annoyed, the man grabs a piece of glass and Jisung registers the cuts being made on his arm, feeling the warmth of blood dripping onto the floor. His father uses the chance to trip his feet, making him fall with a loud thud.

Jisung hisses when a foot kicks his side, before he hears his father muttering what an ungrateful brat he was. 

“It’s because of you that I hate Christmas.” His father spats, before there’s the sound of the front door opening and closing.

The house is silent again.

Jisung lays on the floor for a while, mostly to ensure that his father doesn’t come back. When he thinks it’s safe, he picks himself up gingerly, wincing when he sees the fresh blood on his arm.

Jisung thinks it isn’t as bad as it could be.

He walks up the stairs slowly, one hand wrapped around his abdomen and the other gripping the bar just so he could pull himself up one stair at a time.

He takes himself to his bathroom, opening the cupboard where there were multiple medicines (pain killers mostly), alcohol rubs, healing creams, bandages and bandaids. It doesn’t take him long; he’s used to this by now.

Once he’s all bandaged up, he goes back to his bedroom, making sure to lock the door. There’s no need to turn on the lights, Jisung figures. He takes himself to the window seat, grabbing his phone along the way and resting against the pillows.

Jisung opens his phone, sees the blinding date flashing back at him. December 25th, Christmas Day. He remembers his father’s words.

Ah. That’s right. He wonders how he could have forgotten.

His mother left him on this day all those years ago.

Jisung wonders if she’s happy with her boyfriend. Maybe they married. Maybe they have children now, and she’d forgotten all about Jisung. She probably did.

Jisung turns back to the window.

The full moon is out. It’s shining. The stars, only one or two maybe because of the city lights, twinkle near it. Jisung wonders what it’s like to be near a star. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be a star himself, he’s much too dim for that.

Maybe Hyunjin could be a star, and Jisung could be near him.

There’s a small _ting_! on his phone, and speak of the devil, it’s a message from Hyunjin. He doesn’t hesitate to click it.

It’s a video. When Jisung opens it, he sees through the blurry camera work a cozy little home with smiling people talking excitedly and full of laughter. The camera goes to Kkami who’s going from lap to lap, being petted and given tasty treats. There’s a big Christmas tree in the background, colorful lights shining brightly with ornaments decorating beautifully. There’s presents of all sizes under the tree, some opened, some still wrapped. There’s even skateboards lined up against the wall, no doubt for Hyunjin.

It’s nice.

In his house, there’s no tree, no decorations, nothing. Just bare, like it can’t possibly be changed to be anything better.

It reminds Jisung that he and Hyunjin are truly from two different worlds.

He doesn’t quite know how to feel about that.

A message appears under the video. A simple “_Merry Christmas, Jisungie! I hope you had a good Christmas!! I’ll see you on the Eve!!_”, followed by the long string of emojis that Hyunjin often uses when he’s excited.

And Jisung smiles. He smiles despite what a crappy evening he’s had where he has fresh new bruises and cuts, despite Christmas was probably the worst day to ever exist for him because it was the day his family fell apart, he just smiles because of one reason, because of one _person_.

“Merry Christmas, Hyunjin.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For once, Jisung falls asleep surrounded by love.

It’s New Year’s Eve.

The group gathers at Changbin’s vacation home, planning to stay until the end of the break and heading back to college together. There are hugs and chatter the minute they all meet, loud and noisy as ever.

Jisung wears a baggy sweater today, his bruises and cuts haven’t quite healed, so he makes sure to avoid physical contact other than the first hug from everybody.

They sit in the living room, popcorning around the room as everybody besides Jisung excitedly talk about their break.

When it comes to his turn, Jisung just smiles and tells them he just had a quiet evening at his house on Christmas. It wasn’t a lie, just wasn’t the complete truth either. They accept it nonetheless.

They start with watching some holiday movies, mostly classics. When they get bored a few hours later, they decide to keep a movie running while they play some games. At first it was just cards or board games, then they went to video games after deciding the movies were too boring to listen to.

There were a lot of broken friendships and trust when playing on the switch, so much that Chan announces that they were done with video games for the night and that they had to choose something better. There would have been protests too, had not the controls run out of battery.

“Let’s do spin the bottle!” Felix shouts gleefully, already pulling out an empty bottle from who knows where. There’s groans throughout the whole room when the game is mentioned.

Hyunjin giggles from where he’s sitting next to Jisung, leaning into the smaller boy’s side. Jisung pretends it doesn’t affect him, convinces himself everything Hyunjin does was plainly platonic.

“Okay, most of us are literally in a relationship. Even _you_!” Seungmin rolls his eyes, but he’s the first to spin the bottle when Felix shoots him a look.

When it stops, there’s a small silence before Seungmin squeals and latches onto to Minho. They ignore the couple after that, proceeding with the game as if two of them weren’t devouring each other.

It’s Jisung’s turn and he doesn’t think before he spins it. He’s played the game numerous times at the party, never kissing any stranger though. He just kept taking shots of that fruit punch because well, it was way better than kissing some stranger.

The bottle slows to a stop, but it doesn’t stop on one person. Instead, it’s in the middle of two people.

“Should I spin again?” Jisung asks, because he’s never had it happen to him before. Also, because one of those two people was someone he definitely wanted to avoid kissing.

Changbin snickers. “Nah, just choose between the two of them. Who do you want to kiss, Jisung-ah?”

Jisung sweats, eyes flickering to Hyunjin who stares back at him with an unknown expression. He can feel the others’ eyes burning a hole through him, can almost hear their urges to do what he wants to do, but he can’t. He can’t do what he wants to do.

He can’t do that at all.

Jisung clears his throat. “Hyunjin?”

“Yeah?” Hyunjin’s voice is a little soft, a little breathless. Jisung doesn’t understand what’s going on his head, doesn’t understand why Hyunjin’s looking at him like _that_.

“Please move so I can get to Jeongin.”

Jisung’s definitely a coward. And he definitely pretends he doesn’t hear the sounds of disappointment from his friends.

He pretends he doesn’t see something flicker in Hyunjin’s eyes when he hears Jisung’s words, moving back.

Jeongin shrieks when Jisung comes closer, flailing his arms in the air as if to protect himself from his hyung. “This is illegal! I’m a _child_! I didn’t consent to this!! Have you no mercy?”

Jisung rolls his eyes, grabbing Jeongin by the shoulders and planting a quick peck on the younger’s cheek. “Oh, shut up. We do this to you all the time.”

Jeongin scrunches his nose in disgust, using his sleeve to wipe his cheek. “Yes, but it doesn’t mean I _like_ it. Why oh why do I have to be the youngest?”

“Because you just are,” Felix coos, squishing Jeongin’s cheeks together while the younger whines loudly in protest.

The game continues until they grow tired of it, mostly because of Jeongin who complains that he’s received the most amount of kisses this whole time, claiming the game was clearly rigged.

Hyunjin doesn’t lean against Jisung after that, just sits with some distance between them. Jisung tries not to mind.

Keyword: tries.

It’s probably for the best, he finally concludes. It wouldn’t be good to let these feelings of his grow faster than they should. He should stop before he goes to the point of no return.

Jisung thinks it might already be too late though.

* * *

There’s only a few hours left before midnight when Jisung makes a pretty stupid mistake. In his opinion anyway.

Having a play fight with Seungmin was definitely _not_ his best decision of the night. It was over something stupid too, like who would get the last cake in the box. Jisung should have surrendered while he had the chance.

Especially when Seungmin grabs hold of his injured arm, and he doesn’t even grip it that hard but the skin is tender, too fragile that Jisung hisses loudly in pain.

Shocked, the other boy immediately lets go. “Oh my god, Sungie, are you okay? I didn’t mean to grab you that hard! I just-!” He stops, eyes widening when he sees red staining the sleeve. “W-What is that?”

Jisung glances down, cursing lowly under his breath. His cuts must have reopened again. He pulls the sleeve down, covering it with his other arm. He can feel all eyes on him now. “It’s n-nothing. Just some scratches, is all.” He tries to smile, tries to reassure their worried looks. “I’m fine, really.”

But they weren’t having it.

Hyunjin grabs his injured arm despite Jisung’s protests and pulls up the sleeve. There’s sharp intakes of breaths when they see the cuts bleeding through the white bandage, staining it a red so dark it’s almost like poison.

“Jisung, what is this?” Hyunjin demands, and Jisung flinches because Hyunjin’s never raised his voice at him before. “Answer me!”

Jisung doesn’t answer, he doesn’t know what to say. All he knows is that he brought down the whole mood of the group. There’s a hush silence, and nobody is laughing or smiling like they were just a while ago.

Good job, Jisung. Good job fucking things up again.

Jisung hastily pulls down his sleeve again, quickly getting to his feet. He hangs his head low, unable to meet any of their eyes because he’s ashamed, probably embarrassed too. He knew things were going too well for him. His life was supposed to be shitty, not happy.

Nobody wants to be friends with someone who has cuts and bruises all over his body and won’t explain. Nobody wants to be friends with someone who thinks negatively and even tried to commit suicide once.

Nobody wants to be friends with a loner like Jisung.

Jisung’s been fooling himself this whole time.

He grips his arm as words fumble out in a rush. He isn’t too sure of what he’s saying by this point. “I-I’m sorry. I ruined things, didn’t I? I’m sorry. This was a m-mistake. I’ll leave, and you don’t have to see me again. I’m sorry. I’m sorry-”

“Jisung-ah, let’s get you cleaned up, okay?”

Jisung startles when large hands take hold of his smaller ones, and he’s surprised to see Woojin giving him a warm smile. His gut instinct is to shake his head, unable to understand what the older male was saying. “W-what? No, I can just leave! I can just walk home, really it’s okay! Please, you don’t have to bother with someone like me-”

“You cannot walk home while it’s snowing out there and we’re in the country side,” Changbin points out.

Jisung’s desperate now because this wasn’t supposed to happen. He wasn’t supposed to cause more trouble. He was supposed to leave because they were better off without someone like him around. Really, what is Jisung even good for? “Hyung, I really-!”

“You’re bleeding, Jisung-ah.” Chan places a hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently with a gentle smile. “Go put some medicine on it before it gets infected. We wouldn’t want that, would we? You can join us after you treat it.”

“But-!”

Woojin’s pulling him towards the bathroom upstairs before Jisung could try to protest again. The older male sits him on the edge of the bathtub, opening the cupboard to find exactly what was needed because he’s been at Changbin’s vacation home plenty of times.

Jisung is _stressed out_.

He keeps moving his leg because he can’t stay still. He only stops when Woojin tuts, patting his leg to calm him down.

“Jisung-ah, I’m just going to treat you. I’m not doing surgery.” Woojin chuckles, setting the materials on the mat while he goes to undo the bloody bandage.

Jisung’s hand goes up to stop him, wild panic in his eyes. “Hyung, it’s my blood! Y-you shouldn’t touch it! What if you get infected?”

Woojin pauses, “It’s just blood, Jisung. It’s not going to hurt me. Please, I just want to help you.”

Jisung thinks it’s unfair that Woojin has that soft, commanding voice of an older brother he never knew he needed until he met Kim Woojin. He’s the first one Jisung opened up to because well, he had to get along with his manager.

But Woojin was more than that. He makes sure Jisung eats his meals on time, makes sure he’s not overworking himself, and would sometimes sit and listen to Jisung rant about his writing. Woojin was like the older figure Jisung needed in his life but never had.

So, he lets the older male treat him. He takes the time to calm down, taking deep breaths, especially when Woojin talks about random little things to keep his mind off the pain.

When Woojin is done with his arm, Jisung hesitates before he’s pulling up his sweater to show the other bruises he has. Woojin is silent as he traces the faded and fresh bruises with his fingers, muttering something about how it wasn’t right.

“Does it happen often?” Woojin asks quietly once Jisung lets down his sweater.

There’s a long pause before Jisung gives a little nod, eyes down at his lap. “It’s not too bad. I tell myself it could be worse. He hasn’t tried to kill me yet.”

“Oh, Jisung.” Woojin pulls him into a hug, mindful of his injuries. “Have you tried going to the police?”

Jisung shakes his head, burying himself further into the embrace because Woojin’s hugs were always the nicest, like being in the comfort of a bear. “I don’t have video proof. I don’t think a testimony from a college kid will be enough either.”

“There has to be some way to expose him.”

“Probably, but I don’t want to think about him right now.” Jisung pulls back slowly. “I don’t know if I want to face the others yet. Can I stay here?”

Woojin nods in understanding, cleaning up. “Of course, but you should stay in Changbin’s room instead of this bathroom. I’ll tell the others.”

Jisung smiles at him gratefully and lets his hyung lead him to a bedroom not too far from the bathroom. It’s a nice bedroom, Jisung thinks as he looks inside. There’s a window seat.

Woojin is digging into the closet until he finds a sweater that’s much too large to be Changbin’s, it’s probably his. He hands it to Jisung, gesturing for him to take off his own sweater with the bloody sleeve. Jisung changes quickly, handing his sweater to Woojin who was probably going to throw it in the wash.

“If you feel better, come join us for New Year’s, okay? The party isn’t over til all of them pass out,” Woojin chuckles, making Jisung laugh a little.

“I’ll try.”

Jisung knows Woojin knows he might not actually come, but the older doesn’t push it. Instead, he kisses Jisung’s head and bids him goodbye with an early “Happy New Year’s”.

It’s quiet in the room when Jisung closes the door and turns off the light. He finds it better to sit by the window without any lights on because the moon was shining, once again, brightly tonight. It’s serene.

Luckily, his phone was in his pocket when he went upstairs. Not too long now until the New Year rolls around. Normally, at this time of the year, he would be in his own bedroom, by the window, wishing nobody but himself a Happy New Year’s.

Today, he was blessed to spend time with others. Albeit, he did manage to cause trouble in the end. He doesn’t know what to do. They hadn’t tried to kick him out, hadn’t yelled insults or tried to beat him up like those people he thought were his friends back when he was much younger.

Too naïve to the world to understand that nobody wants to be friends with someone like him.

Jisung doesn’t remember the looks on anybody’s faces, except for Chan’s gentle one and Woojin’s heartbroken one when he saw the rest of the bruises.

Maybe they’re just too kind to kick him out right away, Jisung thinks. Maybe they’re just too kind because it was New Year’s and they didn’t have the heart to make him walk in the snow in his sweater and thin winter jacket that he got from a garage sale because he couldn’t afford anything else.

He probably would have died if he did, the cold would have killed him first.

Jisung thinks it would have been best if they had just told him straight away, that they didn’t want him to hang out with them anymore. Jisung wouldn’t even blame them. That way, he wouldn’t have this hope sprouting in his chest.

There’s a bitter laugh that escapes his lips as he catches himself. It’s been a while since he’s had such depressing thoughts. He thought he was doing better, he thought he was going to be okay from now on.

Jisung supposes it’s because he hasn’t had them in a while that everything just comes back to him in a rush, spiraling out of his control. Not to mention, he did go into a mini panic when his cuts were revealed.

Thoughts like these is the venom he never needed but has.

There’s a knock on the door that startles him from his thoughts. A pause before there’s two more consecutive knocks on the wooden door.

He knows that pattern.

He knows who it is.

Problem is, does he want to answer?

“Jisung, can we talk?”

He should have refused, should have shouted “No” and told him to leave him alone. But Jisung’s never been good at saying “No” to one individual, never been good at refusing the person who keeps him awake at night with thoughts he shouldn’t have.

“Come in.”

The door opens slowly, Hyunjin stepping in as he silently shuts the door behind him. There’s not much to say, more like they stare at each other for a while.

There’s something akin to guilt flickering in Hyunjin’s eyes, and Jisung doesn’t understand because what guilt could he possibly have?

Jisung was the one who messed up, not Hyunjin.

He subconsciously leans back further in his seat near the windows when Hyunjin walks closer, stopping as the older sits across from him on the window seat. The younger wraps his arms around himself, as if he could block anything Hyunjin has to say.

“Hi.” Hyunjin says quietly, voice almost a murmur but there’s too much silence in the room that Jisung thinks he can hear his breathing if he stays still enough.

“Hello.” Jisung doesn’t dare look at Hyunjin, just stares at the throw pillow on his lap. “Shouldn’t you be downstairs?”

_‘With the others. Not with me.’_

“I wanted to be with you.”

Fuck. Why does Hyunjin have to say those things? Why does he have to say things he doesn’t mean? Why does he have to give Jisung hope when really, it’s just a lost cause? Jisung keeps reminding himself daily that Hyunjin was just being a good person, just being a good _friend_.

That’s all.

Though, Jisung doesn’t even know if they were even friends anymore after what happened. He hasn’t thought about what he would do if Hyunjin wanted him out of his life. After all, he was planning on hiding his feelings for a long time so they could stay friends. Now? He wasn’t so sure.

Maybe since he already messed up, he might as well come clean and confess. If they weren’t going to stay friends after this, he should just get everything off his chest. That way, he wouldn’t have to deal with these feelings that eat him alive every day.

After all, better late than never.

“I’m sorry.”

Jisung snaps his head up in bewilderment when he hears the apology, shocked to see Hyunjin bowing his head. “W-what? No, I’m the one who’s sorry-!”

Hyunjin shakes his head. “No, I’m the one who raised my voice. I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry, I do and say a lot of stupid things when I’m upset or if I panic. Everybody says I don’t have a filter.”

“But I don’t understand-”

“I’m upset, Jisung. I’m really upset,” Hyunjin sighs, hugging another throw pillow to his chest tightly. Jisung’s thoughts run again because Hyunjin was truly upset with him, wasn’t he? God, Jisung wishes this evening would reset. They were doing so well!

His breath catches when Hyunjin continues. “I’m upset at myself. I didn’t know you were hurt, I should have known when we hugged this morning and you pulled away when I held you tighter. It’s not even today either, I should have paid better attention to you. I should have said something instead of keeping quiet because I thought that was for the best, I thought I shouldn’t pry but god, seeing those cuts…”

Hyunjin’s voice grows a little shaky, and Jisung’s stunned to see a tear slide down his cheek. Was Hyunjin crying…for _him_? “I’m so sorry I couldn’t be better for you.”

Jisung doesn’t know what to say. Not once in his life has he heard anybody apologize for not being enough for him. _He’s_ the one who’s not enough for anybody. Everybody deserves more than what he has to offer.

Especially Hyunjin, who is like the star Jisung wants to reach but never will. Hyunjin, who shines brighter than anybody else. Hyunjin, who’s surrounded by loved ones and is kind to everybody.

Hyunjin, who saved Jisung.

Hyunjin, who apologized for not being enough for Jisung.

Hyunjin, who is crying for Jisung’s sake.

Jisung’s overwhelmed with raw emotions he thought he locked away long ago. Now, it hits him all at once. He doesn’t realize the sob that breaks, doesn’t realize the tears until they drop on the pillow, making wet stains.

Hyunjin’s arms reach out, stopping when he realizes he doesn’t know if he can touch. Jisung does him the favor and moves into the outreaching arms, wrapping his lithe arms around Hyunjin’s waist, careful of his injured arm because he doesn’t want it to reopen again.

Hyunjin pulls Jisung close, arms carefully locked around him as one hand runs through Jisung’s hair soothingly. There’s soft murmurs, Hyunjin’s lips pressing into Jisung’s hair and forehead as the smaller boy breaks slowly.

Jisung doesn’t know the last time he cried. He thinks it must have been a long time because it’s like a dam broke inside him and all he wants to do is stay in Hyunjin’s arms and let everything out.

It’s only some time later when Jisung’s sobs turn into sniffles, trembles slowing down. When he regained himself a little, he’s embarrassed, starting to pull away. Hyunjin does let him go, but only a little as his arms keep the smaller male in place.

“Are you okay?”

It’s just a simple three-worded question, but it’s always felt like a loaded one to Jisung. Normally, he would smile and nod, lie because it's for the best. This time, he shakes his head. “No, not really. But I think I’m feeling better after,” he blushes a little and mumbles, “crying.”

Hyunjin hums, fingers wiping the last few tears away from Jisung’s eyes. “It’s okay to cry, Jisung-ah.” He smiles a little. “I cried too.” And Jisung knows, because Hyunjin’s eyes are a little red, probably not as red as his was though.

Jisung casts his gaze downwards because the look Hyunjin was giving him was all too much after that emotional mess. “I thought everybody would hate me after tonight.”

“Nobody hates you, Jisungie.” Hyunjin reassures him gently. “We were just surprised and frustrated we didn’t notice how big this was beforehand. We’re sorry.”

Jisung shakes his head. “No, please, you guys have nothing to be sorry for. I just…come with a lot of baggage and I don’t expect you to just accept that. Really, if it would be better for everybody if I leave-”

“You are not leaving,” Hyunjin says firmly, fingers tilting Jisung’s chin up so he can meet his eyes. “Han Jisung, you are not leaving. You’re one of us now, we’re not leaving you. We just want to help you, Jisung. Please. We- _I_ don’t want to see you suffer anymore.”

“I-” Jisung’s voice gets caught in his throat and he thinks he might start crying again, but he manages to take a shaky breath instead. Another deep breath, a silence as Jisung tries to gather his thoughts.

He’s always imagined there would be people who could be there for him someday, always imagined what it would be like to have friends who actually stay with him instead of leaving. He’s always imagined how different his life would be if he has someone who cares about him. _Cares for Han Jisung_.

But it was always imaginations, dreams. Jisung never thought it could come true, he never dared to let himself hope too much. Hopes get crushed too easily.

At least, that’s what he used to think.

“Please help me.”

There’s a smile that brightens Hyunjin’s face, glowing even in the moonlight. “Of course, anything for Jisungie.”

A loud beep interrupts their peaceful silence, causing both to jump as their eyes go to their phones that flashes with a timer. The timer they all set for New Year’s.

“Oh, it’s starting the countdown.” Jisung notices, casting Hyunjin a guilty look. “I don’t think you’ll have time to return to the others.”

Hyunjin shrugs. “It’s okay, we can welcome the New Year’s together. Doesn’t that sound pretty good too?”

Jisung feels his heart flutter at those words, so instead he turns his attention to the phones because he doesn’t want to embarrass himself more than he already has today.

_10._

_9._

“Hey, Jisung? Can you look at me?”

_8._

Jisung blinks, turning his attention back to the older male. There’s a smile on those perfect lips, those milky brown orbs twinkling with something Jisung doesn’t know.

_7._

_6._

“Something wrong?” Jisung asks. Hyunjin shakes his head.

_5._

_4._

_3._

Hyunjin moves his hands to gently cup Jisung’s cheeks, caressing it gently as he traces his fingers on Jisung’s face as if he wants to map it out.

_2._

Jisung stays still because he doesn’t know what’s going on, but his body is frozen. His breath catches when Hyunjin starts leaning closer until their noses touch softly.

_1._

There are fireworks going off somewhere, and loud cheers and shouts from downstairs. Even the house shakes a little with the excitement of the New Year.

However, all that was registering in Jisung’s mind was the pair of plush lips pressing against his thinner ones in the softest of kisses, like it’s delicate, fragile, and nobody wants it to break.

Eventually it does, and although Jisung yearns for the feeling of Hyunjin’s lips on his again, just like that one night at the party, he doesn’t dare ask.

“W-what-?” Jisung’s brain is shutting down, and he’s dizzy. Sure, it’s only one kiss. Especially compared to the many they shared that one night, but it’s different. It feels different, it has something Jisung doesn’t dare think about.

Maybe it’s because they’re both sober this time. He thinks that might be it, not because his heart is beating like it’s running a mile a minute, or he feels short of breath when it was one kiss.

Hyunjin hums softly, pulling away slowly as his arms loosely hold Jisung. He motions upwards with a finger, and Jisung looks.

There, on the top of the window, was a little mistletoe. It was probably placed there for Christmas, only to be forgotten during clean-up. Changbin probably placed it there for him and Woojin, why his own room, Jisung doesn’t understand.

“It’s a little late but,” Hyunjin’s lips curve into a pretty, little smile, “tradition, right? Gotta do it, and it was on New Year’s too.”

“Oh. Yeah, right. Tradition.” Jisung pretends he isn’t disappointed by the reason, but Hyunjin is smiling so he can’t help but smile too.

Maybe it isn’t the time to confess yet, Jisung thinks. He did just break down in front of everybody and cried on Hyunjin too. If he confessed, the other boy would probably think he wasn’t in his right mind.

Next time, when he’s in a better mental state, Jisung decides, he’ll do it.

* * *

They don’t go downstairs right away, even though Jisung insists Hyunjin can leave to join the other. The older merely smiles, grabbing a shirt to change after they realize his other one was wet with tears.

They sit on the window seat, facing each other and well, talked. Hyunjin did most of it, but Jisung input his comments every so often. The younger even gave his small hands for Hyunjin to play with, because the boy didn’t know if he could touch Jisung so freely after what happened tonight.

When they finally go downstairs, the others had built a sleeping area with futons, blankets and pillows scattered all over the living room. There was a movie going on, but everybody looks when they hear footsteps.

Minho is the first to pull Jisung away from Hyunjin, wrapping his arms around the smaller boy’s frame as he sits on the floor against the couch. Jeongin settles between Jisung’s legs, leaning against the older’s chest. Seungmin and Felix crowd at his sides, and the hyungs takes his hands.

There’s not a lot of words, just “Happy New Year’s” and if Jisung was hungry or wants a drink. They do ask if he was feeling better, if the pain was tolerable.

Jisung honestly didn’t expect to be surrounded like this, didn’t expect for them to speak to him with no malice in their voices. He thought maybe they wouldn’t speak to him at all, and that he was going to be sitting alone by himself, lost in his thoughts of how he was going to go home the next morning.

He sees Hyunjin settling into the chair with a cup of cocoa. The skater meets his eyes, smiles and mouths “I told you so”.

Jisung can’t say anything back.

There’s a little dispute when it’s time for bed, mostly over who would be sleeping next to Jisung. The boy is kinda overwhelmed because nobody has ever fought over him before, he was never a choice in the first place. So, even though it’s selfish, he can’t help but feel…_happy_.

It’s a nice feeling.

In the end, the youngest two wins, squealing with glee as they hug Jisung tightly. They arrange themselves after a lot of shuffling around, calling out “Goodnight’s” because whispering is never a thing in this group.

For once, Jisung falls asleep surrounded by love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reaching the climax soon !! owo


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And when he hears the voice he’s grown to love call his name, he loses conscious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING !! READ WITH CAUTION !!
> 
> \- Domestic Violence (Not super graphic)  
\- Attempted Murder   
\- Usage of Knives / Choking  
\- Blood

“Thank you for coming!”

Jisung’s smile drops as soon as the customer turns around, sighing. The cafe wasn’t usually busy during this time of day, but there were nonstop waves of customers after another for some reason.

Maybe it was the warming weather. Winter did just end, and they were smoothly rolling into spring. They’re on break before the last quarter of the school year, and Jisung’s been using the time to work because after what happened at New Year’s, Woojin didn’t let him work for some time to heal properly.

Jisung is more open with his problems now, he tells his friends when he isn’t feeling well, or when he wants to be alone. He makes sure to let them know if anything happens with his father, makes sure to come to them if he gets hurt again.

Sometimes, he still wants to hide. He doesn’t want them to see the scars and cuts he carries, but they tell him they want to see it. They always turn a blind eye before, but now they don’t want to.

They ask him how he’s doing everyday and even if it’s a little much sometimes, Jisung doesn’t mind. After all, nobody has ever cared enough to ask “How are you today?” It’s a simple question, but it’s something Jisung didn’t know he needed until now.

The hyungs are trying to find some way to submit a lawsuit against Jisung’s father for child abuse, but there’s only the scars and bruises on Jisung’s body as evidence. Given Jisung’s mental state, he could be judged of doing it to himself rather than being abused.

Jisung appreciates that they’re doing this for him, but he’s never thought of getting revenge on his father. Maybe when he was younger he did, but over time, he just accepted things as they are. His friends try to help him escape that mindset, that nothing his father did to him was okay.

It’s taking time, but Jisung thinks he’s healing a little more.

His break wasn’t for a while, so Jisung figures he could rearrange the display before anybody else comes. The job was much better than his old one, not to mention he works with his friends and get free treats.

“Sungie! I finished more cookies!”

Jisung looks up from where he’s crouching down next to the display as Hyunjin comes out of the back with a sheet full of warm cookies. “Oh, already?”

“Mhm!” Hyunjin looks pleased with his work, sliding open the top to place the cookies in. He leaves two out, as always, and sets the sheet down, picking up a cookie. “Sungie, ahhh!” The skater coos when Jisung opens his mouth obediently, popping the cookie in. He takes the last for himself, holding it between his lips as he goes to put the sheet in the back.

He’s returning just as Jisung finishes up, startling the younger boy when he suddenly hugs him from behind as Jisung is stretching his limbs.

“Get off, we’re at work,” Jisung complains, but it’s not like he makes a lot of effort shaking the taller.

Hyunjin giggles, tickling Jisung’s sides before removing his hands. Jisung eyes him warily, grabbing a dish cloth as he cleans the counter. “Why are you so happy?”

“Because next quarter we’ll have the same schedule!” Hyunjin chirps, eyes twinkling. “Last quarter was _awful_. We didn’t have any classes together nor did our schedules match up! But this time, we can actually hang out!!”

Jisung hums. “We still met up on weekends though. And you did crash at my dorm a lot.”

“It’s not the same, Jisungieee,” Hyunjin pouts, pink lips puffed so cutely Jisung has to look away. “Now, we can meet up for breakfast, you can bring me lunch and I’ll buy you dinner! And we get to do whatever else there is to do _together_.”

Jisung snorts, throwing the dish cloth into the empty bucket on the floor. “What makes you think I want to spend all my free time with you? What if I have something else I wanna do? Like hang out with someone else?” He doesn’t really, but he’s sure the youngest trio would indulge him if he asks.

Hyunjin grabs him by the arms, making Jisung face him properly. There’s a frown on his lips, eyebrows furrowed with displeasure. “No. I don’t like that. Hang out with me, I’m better than anybody else.”

There’s a silence between the two until, “Except Jeongin.”

Hyunjin looks like he’s about to protest with the statement, but ultimately sighs. “Okay, yes, except Jeongin. But he’s everybody’s baby so it doesn’t count!”

“Hm, pretty sure it does.” Jisung says teasingly, hoping his cheeks aren’t pink because Hyunjin wanting to hang out with him constantly does make him happy. He can’t- he _shouldn’t_ say that though.

“Get back to work, you two!” Woojin appears at the doorway, his hands on his hips like an angry mama bear. He’s trying to frown, but they see the smile that’s threatening to escape.

“Yes~!”

* * *

“Sungie, you ready?” Hyunjin calls, placing his skateboard on the ground. He puts one foot on it and slides back and forth, looking back.

“Can’t believe Woojin-hyung made us go home during rush hour. Changbin-hyung and Minho-hyung are gonna die,” Jisung says, shutting the back door of the busy café.

“They’ll be fine,” is what the skater says, but there’s a grin on his face that tells Jisung he doesn’t mind letting their hyungs suffer.

Jisung’s about to answer when his phone starts ringing loudly. He gives Hyunjin an apologetic smile, before taking out his phone and answering the call. “Hello?”

“_Where the hell are you?”_ His father’s voice screams through the line, grabbing Hyunjin’s attention.

“A-at a café. Why are you calling?” Jisung’s voice is trembling, and he wishes he didn’t sputter. But his father has never called him before, Jisung didn’t even know he still had his number. What could he possibly want?

“_Come home, you son of a bitch. Right now!”_ There’s a loud crash before the line cuts and Jisung hears silence.

“You’re not going to listen to him, are you?” Hyunjin grabs his hand, holding it tightly. “Jisung, please, you can’t. It doesn’t sound good-!”

Jisung inhales shakily and pulls his hand back. “I have to. He’s my father, Hyunjin. If I don’t-” he swallows, throat dry, “I have to go, okay?”

Hyunjin wants to protest, Jisung can see it in his eyes, but there’s internal turmoil as the older chews his lips. He decides on pulling Jisung into a tight hug instead, burying his face in the younger’s hair. “Please promise me you’ll be okay. Please, I don’t want to see you hurt again.”

“I’ll try,” was the only thing Jisung could answer because he doesn’t want to make a promise he isn’t sure he’ll be able to keep.

He isn’t sure of what was going to happen.

Hyunjin’s grip tightens, but he reluctantly pulls away slowly. “You have my number on speed dial, yeah? Call me if something happens, I mean it Jisung. I will definitely come for you.”

Jisung’s heart skips a beat at that, but this wasn’t the time to get flustered, so he nods instead. “Okay, I’ll keep that in mind.”

Hyunjin cradles his face tenderly, milky brown eyes meeting Jisung’s evenly, looking impossibly soft. “You mean a lot to me, Jisung. Please stay safe.” He presses a ghost of a kiss on Jisung’s forehead, lips hovering for a while before he pulls away completely.

“I will.”

* * *

Jisung should have known better.

The minute he steps into the house, his father is up in his face. “Did you know?” His father’s face is red, beet red, and he’s never been angrier.

Jisung doesn’t understand his question. “Know what?”

“That bitch, your _mother_ is back. I saw her today,” his father snarls with disgust, “with the bastard she left with. They have a fucking _child_!”

“Oh.” Jisung didn’t expect that. Time and time again, he always wondered what it would be like if his mother came back. He never knew where she went, just that she disappeared with her boyfriend all those years ago.

She’s back. And she’s living a life without him. She’s probably happy, Jisung thinks. After all, she was probably married and a child? She must be over the moon.

There’s no lingering hatred or betrayal when he hears this news. He thinks it’s because he already accepted that he wasn’t enough for his mother to stay, wasn’t enough to keep her happy. Now, she’s happy with her new family and he doesn’t blame her.

The only thing he wants to know is about his step-sibling. Is it a girl? A boy? He wants to meet them. Maybe in a distance, because he isn’t sure if his mother would be too fond in seeing him.

Then again, she might not even recognize him. It’s been years after all. The last time she saw him, he was just a child. Now, he was in college.

He’s grown, physically and mentally. He isn’t bitter anymore, just accepting. Forgiveness is still a long road, though. But he thinks he’ll get there someday.

Maybe he could meet her, introduce himself as someone else, and see his step-sibling. He always wanted a younger sibling.

“Are you _smiling_?” His father’s voice breaks through his thoughts, startling Jisung.

“I-!” He doesn’t get the chance to speak before his father punches him, hard. Jisung barely has time to react before he’s shoved to the ground, immediately curling himself into a tight ball as he tries to defend against his father’s beating.

“You fucker! You’re happy she’s back? She’s the one who left in the first place! That bitch left you, left _me_ all those years ago! Why are you smiling? You don’t fucking deserve to smile!” His father roars, grabbing Jisung by the collar of his shirt and throwing him against the wall.

Jisung’s vision clouds and he starts to choke when hands wrap themselves tightly around his neck, breaking his air slowly but firmly. His hands go up to grab at his father’s larger hands, trying to pull them away but to no avail. “P…lease… st…op!”

His father doesn’t listen, instead he smirks wickedly. “Do you know why I keep you? Even though you’re the disgusting demon she brought into this world? Do you know why I didn’t kill you? They give good money to people who are single parents, and once you were of age, I put you to good work. But now,” his father squeezes tighter, “I can’t bare to see your face anymore.”

Jisung can barely think anymore, he’s struggling just to breathe but it’s getting more difficult the longer his father keeps his hands on him. There’re only shallow breaths escaping his lips, and they’re slowly fading.

There’s a burning in his whole body, most likely from the hits he took earlier. Everything hurts and all he wants to do is to stop the pain but he’s weak, so so weak. His hands fall to his sides because all his strength just escapes, and he doesn’t know if he’s still breathing or not.

_“Call me if something happens, I mean it Jisung. I will definitely come for you.”_

Hyunjin.

Jisung can’t die like this. He hasn’t said what he wanted to say to Hyunjin yet. He hasn’t confessed yet.

With the little strength he has, he swings his legs and kicks his father in between the legs. Another kick goes to his jaw which sends him howling in pain, dropping his hands from around Jisung’s neck as he staggers backwards.

Jisung drops to the ground, hand on the wall as he quickly texts his location to Hyunjin and silently dials the older’s number. The black spots in his vision slowly disappears as his hands shake, but he does what he needs to do.

He makes sure to shove his phone into his pocket when his father faces him again, trying to stay on his feet. It’s going to take time before Hyunjin could arrive.

Jisung must defend himself against this monster until he does.

His father is shouting again, words becoming more hateful by the second. He grabs a nearby vase and throws it at Jisung. His aim is off, but Jisung still dodges as the vase shatters against the wall.

Jisung runs, he doesn’t know where exactly, just knows he can’t be near his father anymore. His father roars, curse words falling from his lips as he goes after Jisung.

The boy manages to get to the kitchen, opening the cupboards and throwing the plates onto the floor to stop his father’s tracks. There’s broken pieces scattered on the kitchen floor, bringing his father to a halt when he reaches the kitchen.

“You worthless piece of _shit_. Look what you’ve done!” His father shouts, face beet red in anger.

“You tried to kill me!” Jisung accuses, backing away slowly. His back hits the counter, hand reaching behind his back to open the drawer. “You’re_ still_ trying to kill me! What makes you think I wouldn’t run away?”

“You’re not worth anything! Nobody would care if you died, you _demon_ child.” His father snarls. “You don’t have any friends, your bitch of a mother left you, _nobody_!”

Jisung scoffs, hand reaching around the drawer until it grasps a knife that he tucks behind his back. “I do have friends, you never paid attention, but I do have people who care about me!”

“Bullshit,” his father spats. “They’re just lying to you! Once you’re gone, they’ll be glad I got rid of you for them. In fact, I’ll do that right now.” The man steps on the pieces, slowly making his way towards Jisung.

Jisung doesn’t wait for him, just sprints to the staircase, ignoring his father’s screams. He goes into his room, locking the door. He pushes his dresser against the door and piles his desk and chair on top.

His father is livid, screams and shouts and curses explode from the man. Jisung thinks he’s still downstairs, because he hasn’t heard footsteps on the staircase yet. He’s probably getting some sort of weapon, which was exactly why Jisung grabbed one for himself.

Jisung stays against his window, heart beating like it’s on the race track. He’s still running on adrenaline, body moving without much thought because he has to stay on his toes. He has to keep himself alive until help comes, it’s the only thing he can do.

His hand reaches up to his throat, swallowing hard when he hears his father’s shouts again.

His father tried to kill him.

In all these years, Jisung’s been punched, kicked or beaten, but never has his father tried to kill him. Jisung always figured it would be okay because he wasn’t getting murdered in this house, so he tried to deal with all the injuries.

But now, he can’t do that anymore. He has to fight back here, or else he’s as good as dead. Months ago, he wanted to take his own life, wanted to escape so he could meet sweet, sweet death.

If the Jisung from back then was in his place now, he probably wouldn’t mind dying today. He probably wouldn’t mind dying by his father’s hands because really, nothing mattered anymore. As long as he died, then there was no problem.

However, the Jisung today doesn’t want to die. He doesn’t want to leave this world yet; doesn’t want to let go of what he’s managed to obtain these past few months. He doesn’t want to go without living his life the way he wants to, not be chained by the monster that is his father.

Jisung startles when he hears thundering footsteps on the staircase, whipping out his knife and preparing for the worst. There’s a loud thud against his door, like someone was throwing himself at it.

Jisung backs further away, looking out his window. He doesn’t think he can jump down, it’s pretty high and there’s no bushes to cushion his fall. He faces the door again, heartbeat quickening the more the door shakes with the force from the other side.

He tenses when the door breaks, and his father stands on the other side. The man’s face twists when he sees Jisung, holding up a long chain of knives he took from the kitchen.

Jisung inhales sharply, cursing himself for only bringing one knife when he should have taken more.

There’s a wicked grin on his father’s face as he takes one of the knives. “Look what we have here, a cornered little boy. You know, I always hated how much you look like that woman. Luckily,” he throws the knife and Jisung is too late to avoid it, hissing when the knife stabs his thigh, “I won’t have to see it any longer.”

“Do you really want to go to jail for domestic murder?” Jisung hisses, trying to stay standing on both feet, even if one side is threatening to fall.

His father scoffs. “Please, nobody would know. I could throw your body in a ditch later. As long as I don’t leave fingerprints, I’m golden.”

“You’re sick,” Jisung grits his teeth. “The lowest of the low. I can’t believe a monster like you is my father. You don’t even _deserve_ to be my father.”

“I didn’t want to be in the first place,” his father snaps. “I don’t need a worthless son like you anyway. Now sit still and die!”

Jisung hisses when more knives come, cutting his skin. He manages to dodge them enough that none stab him, using his knife to deflect the others. He forgot his father was good at darts and now to him, Jisung was the target board.

The knife on his thigh makes him go down to his knees, putting up his arms to cover whatever he could. He braces himself, biting his lip until he tastes blood.

His strength is draining with every passing second, and he’s dizzy. He thinks it’s because how much his father beat him before, how he choked him and now the knife was opening a hole for his blood to leak.

Jisung tries to make himself stand up, but he can’t. He doesn’t even know if he could keep himself upright anymore, and there’s noise in the background but he can’t hear.

Is this the end?

Jisung expects more knives to come, stab him because he was on his knees now. But then there’s shouts and sirens, numerous footsteps in the house.

When he lowers his arms and lifts his head, he sees his father being tackled to the ground by two police officers, another taking away the knives. There’s more appearing in the doorway, taking one look at him and calling for the paramedics.

“Jisung!”

And when he hears the voice he’s grown to love call his name, he loses conscious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried keeping the scene not too graphic because I don't really like writing those kinds of things much?? But this was needed for the story and the plot so :(( tell me what y'all think !!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Goodbye.”

“Hyunjin, really, I’m fine.”

“No, you are not. Now ahh!”

Jisung sighs but opens his mouth obediently so Hyunjin could feed him. The skater brightens, humming as he feeds Jisung another spoonful of porridge once the boy was done.

It’s been a little more than two weeks since his father’s attempted murder. Apparently, because Jisung had left the phone call on, they were able to record the entire thing. After the police witnessed the attempted murder themselves when they stormed his house, it was more than enough evidence to put his father behind bars.

Since Jisung was already an adult, he could sign the papers for court himself. The house belongs to him now, but he doesn’t know if he wants to keep living in a place where he only has haunting memories in. He thinks he’ll sell it soon.

He’s healing well, getting proper treatment sped up the process. He also decided to receive physical and mental therapy, his friends happy with his decision because he was finally getting the help he’s been avoiding for years.

Turns out, Hyunjin was able to bring the police because his father was a top officer and after hearing parts of the phone call, he immediately brought his men to Jisung’s house. Hyunjin’s mother was Jisung’s therapist, refusing any payment Jisung tried to give her because he was Hyunjin’s friend.

Jisung can’t believe his luck.

“How was your session today? My mom wasn’t being weird, was she?” Hyunjin asks once Jisung finishes eating, placing the bowl on the tray and setting it aside.

Jisung hums as Hyunjin wipes his mouth. He can do it himself, like he could most things really, but Hyunjin insists he does it for him. “It was good. She says she’s been reading my journals, and I talked a lot today.”

“That’s good,” Hyunjin says. “How’s the leg?”

“The doctor says since it wasn’t that deep, and I have been doing physical therapy, I should be able to walk by next week. He says I should take it easy though, so I guess no standing for too long,” Jisung tells him.

Hyunjin nods. “That’s fine, I can just pull you on my skateboard. I have long ones too.”

Jisung grimaces. “Let’s save that for a last resort.”

The skater chuckles, taking hold of Jisung’s small hands and plays with his fingers. He does it often, Jisung muses, and wonders if it’s something that relaxes him because Hyunjin’s shoulders aren’t as tensed as they were when he first entered the room.

“I’m really glad you came,” Jisung murmurs softly once they settle into a comfortable silence. He doesn’t have to explain, he trusts the older will know.

“I told you I would,” Hyunjin smiles, hand intertwining with Jisung’s, squeezing tightly. “You mean a lot to me.” There’s a sigh that escapes his lips when his eyes wander over Jisung’s injured form, guilt coursing through his orbs. “I’m sorry I couldn’t get there sooner.”

Jisung shakes his head, squeezing back. “No, you came as fast as you could. I know it wasn’t easy to get a whole police squad and ambulance to come so quickly.”

“I had to do it,” Hyunjin says. “It was for you.”

Jisung pretends his heart doesn’t beat faster at that, doesn’t pretend he’s touched by Hyunjin’s words because no matter how many times this must happen, he has to turn the other way.

All his life, hope wasn’t really an option. It’s a bad habit, yes, but it’s how he managed to keep himself safe all these years. He already got so much more than he could ever imagine, being too selfish might be his downfall in the end.

“It’s too bad I missed the start of the next quarter,” Jisung changes the topic, because he doesn’t know if he wants to dwell on the comfortable silence they were getting into any longer. “How was it?”

Hyunjin shrugs, playing with Jisung’s hands again. “Same old, I guess. But it is the last quarter, so everybody is kinda waiting for it to be over when it barely started.”

“Have you finished that essay you’ve been complaining to me about?”

“…”

Jisung sighs, pulling his hands away from a pouting Hyunjin who reaches for them, only to whine when Jisung puts them under his blanket. “I told you to stop visiting so much! You have schoolwork and the café. Focus on them!”

“But Jisungie,” Hyunjin pouts, “I wanna visit you! You aren’t at school, how can I go on if I don’t see your cute face every day?”

Jisung feels his face heat up but shakes himself. “Facetime, Hyunjin. We live in the age of social media for a reason.”

Hyunjin was about to complain once again when the door opens. They turn to look as Jisung’s doctor walks in, smiling when he sees them. “Jisung-ah, how are you feeling?”

“Better, thank you,” Jisung says. He likes his doctor, he wasn’t old and cranky like most doctors he’s seen. His doctor was fairly young and had only recently moved into town. Outside of his therapy lessons, Jisung’s doctor comes in sometimes just to listen to whatever Jisung has to say.

Sometimes, there isn’t anything Jisung wants to say because it’s still hard for him to talk. He’s getting better at it though, so he thinks it’s only a matter of time.

“You’re looking better too,” his doctor hums, flipping through his report. “Hyunjin-ah, could you leave us for a bit? I want to talk to Jisung.”

“Actually, he was about to go home,” Jisung says sweetly. Hyunjin gapes at him in betrayal but Jisung merely points to the door and glares.

Sighing, the taller accepts his defeat and leaves after a goodbye and promise to come back soon. Jisung lets out a breath when the door closes, making his doctor chuckle as he pulls up a seat besides the bed.

“You two seem really close,” his doctor comments, a teasing grin on his face. “Are you dating?”

Jisung’s face colors to a light red, avoiding eye contact. “N-no! Why would you think that? He’s just a friend, I swear.”

“That’s what they all say,” his doctor grins wider and Jisung wants to die because this is horrifying. “But I guess enough teasing for now, I did have a serious question to ask.” Jisung blinks at his doctor curiously, wondering why he seems to be debating something before speaking.

“Jisung-ah, do you want to meet your mother?”

The boy freezes, hands gripping his blanket tightly. His mother? He hasn’t seen her in years. He knows she was the cause of this, knows his father might not have tried to kill him if he hadn’t seen her. She was back, but does he want to see her now, so soon after this?

Jisung hasn’t forgiven her yet, he doesn’t know how to. He thinks time will do, but he hasn’t reached it yet. He’s not going to lie though, he has thought of seeing her many times, mostly to ask if the life she has now was so great that she abandoned him.

And there’s still his younger sibling that he actually does want to meet…

“I… well, I’m not really sure,” Jisung looks down at his hands, biting his lips. “I told you she abandoned me when I was younger. My father tried to kill me because he saw her. I just- I don’t know if I’m ready to meet her yet.”

His doctor nods, setting down his report and intertwining his hands as he rests them on his knees. “Do you want to? Maybe not now, but eventually?”

Jisung thinks about that. He hasn’t forgiven his mother, no. But he does want to meet her, maybe when he’s not in a hospital bed and still trying to sort out his mental state. “Yes, I do. When I’m in a better state, preferably.”

“That’s fine,” his doctor smiles, taking one of Jisung’s hands and squeezing a little. “When you’re ready, contact me, alright? I can help you meet her.”

Jisung blinks. “Do you have her contact?”

“Yes, you may be an adult, but we reached out to her regardless because she was still listed as your parent.” His doctor explains. “She’s paying for your hospital fees, actually.”

There’s a small silence as Jisung stares at his doctor in shock. “…She’s what? Wait, she knows?” He’s in total disbelief because this is something he never expected to happen. His mother? Paying for his fees? She willingly pays for his hospital fees like he’s not the child she left oh so many years ago?

Does she know he’s been abused by the man she left too? Does she know he almost died? He has so many questions whirling in his head right now.

“Don’t worry, I can tell her you want to meet later. I’m sure she understands,” his doctor says, patting his hand.

There’s a thought that comes to him, and he’s a little afraid to voice it out but he feels like he has to. He feels as if he’ll regret it if he doesn’t. “…does she want to meet me?”

His doctor pauses, a warm smile spreading on his lips. “Yes, she does. She wants you to meet your younger sister too.”

_His younger sister._

Jisung has a sibling, a _sister_. Oh, he wants to meet her. He’s sure she’s adorable, even if he hasn’t met her yet. He’s positive about it.

He swallows, feels warmth growing in his chest. He hasn’t forgiven her, but the fact that she actually wants to meet him and is paying his hospital bills makes him hope a little more.

Hope is a scary thing, but maybe, sometimes, it isn’t too bad.

* * *

Jisung should have seen it coming.

Things were too good to be true after all.

After being discharged from the hospital, Jisung has returned to classes and his life. He’s gotten his doctor’s personal contacts, but he’s still a little hesitant on meeting his mother. He tells himself he’ll do it before the year end, or at least when school was over.

He’s sold his house after deciding he didn’t want to be haunted by his childhood memories or the incident that lead to him being in the hospital. He isn’t sure what to do with the money yet since he still has his scholarship and was back in the dorms, so he saves it.

Woojin has offered for Jisung to stay at his apartment when there’s a break and he can’t stay at the dorms. Jisung is tempted by the offer, but he tells the older he’ll think about it. When summer break comes, he might consider getting his own apartment, but that’s something he still has a while to decide on.

Now, he was on his way to submit his first entry to the school’s journal in a while. He hopes they hadn’t forgotten that he was still technically a member of the club, or that they don’t reject his piece.

He’s been working on it for a few months now, rewriting it repeatedly to make sure it’s perfect. It’s something special, it must be perfect.

So when Jisung sits in front of the club’s advisor who’s reading his piece carefully, he’s nervous. He’s poured his heart into that one piece of writing, he hopes it can be published. There’s someone he wants to read it.

“This is… really something, Jisung-ah,” Professor Kim Namjoon adjusts his glasses as he glances up with a dimple smile. “I think this is your best work yet.”

“R-really?” Jisung sputters, a shy smile spreading on his lips. “T-then, it can be published?”

Namjoon nods. “Yes, it’s amazing. I think we’re going to feature this piece. However,” the man arches an eyebrow, “this sounds like a message you wrote to someone. Are you sure you want that in the school’s journal?”

“Yes,” Jisung is quick to confirm. “I’m not too good with speaking my thoughts, so I figured I’ll write it on paper instead. I’m hoping he, um, sees it.”

“I see,” Namjoon smiles, “I will go ahead and submit it. Look forward to the issue.”

“Thank you!”

* * *

Jisung’s feeling a little lighter when he walks to class, happy he’s submitted the piece he’s been working on for so long and that it got approved. Now, he just needs to wait for the issue to be published.

It’s nerve-wracking, but he hopes it’ll be worth it.

“What are you smiling about?”

Startled, Jisung jumps when an arm throws itself around his shoulders, glancing to the side where the one person he can’t say no to is smiling brightly besides him.

“Nothing,” Jisung shrugs off the arm, taking a step away from Hyunjin, even if the taller continues to bump their shoulders together as they walk.

Hyunjin pouts. “You’re finally back, and you didn’t come see me this morning? I was hoping to go to class together!” He holds up the skateboard in his hands, grinning cheekily. “Look, I even brought my longboard so we can ride together.”

Jisung eyes the board warily, as if he doesn’t trust it with his life. Which, he really doesn’t. Even though Hyunjin has taken Jisung on many skateboarding trips, even forcing Jisung to ride on his own, Jisung still thinks skateboarding will lead to his demise one day.

They haven’t ridden together though, and Jisung can’t help but think it might be nice…

Nope, not yet.

“We have classes on the opposite sides of campus in the morning, there’s no point in walking to class together,” Jisung points out. “Speaking of which, what are you doing here? Your class is in the other building.”

Hyunjin grins. “I wanted to see you, of course. Also, to make sure you were doing alright,” his tone softens, eyes a little worried, “you are doing okay, right?”

Jisung nods, butterflies buzzing in his stomach like they usually do when he’s around Hyunjin. He can’t help it, he really likes the boy. “I’m fine, really, my doctor kept me in the hospital longer than necessary anyway.”

“It’s a good thing that he did!” Hyunjin is quick to agree. “I would have done the same, if not longer.”

Jisung shakes his head. “Don’t be ridiculous. I’m perfectly fine now. In fact, Woojin-hyung said I could start working soon.”

Hyunjin gasps, grabbing hold of Jisung’s arm. “What? But you just got discharged! You should rest more!”

Jisung opens his mouth to refuse, because yeah, he’s injured but he’s not that _fragile_, when a shout was heard. They stop in their tracks when a group of individuals stood in their way, eyes zooming in on Hyunjin’s hand on Jisung’s arm. People nearby turns their heads, whispering to themselves as they watch.

Jisung doesn’t have a good feeling about this.

“Hyunjin, she has something to tell you.” A boy gestures to the pretty girl next to him who smiles sweetly, so sickeningly sweet it makes Jisung’s insides twist even more.

Hyunjin, oblivious as always, smiles back. “Hello. What is it that you want to tell me?”

“Can we do it privately?” The girl asks, eyes glancing at Jisung.

Hyunjin looks around, a little lost and Jisung wants to slap him. Can’t he read the mood? “Why can’t we do it here? I have to go soon anyway.” Jisung really does want to slap him, shrinking back a little as he shakes off Hyunjin’s hand. The taller blinks at him, confused.

The girl glances at her friends who nod, probably to encourage her. Jisung wants to run away, he really wants to leave but he can’t. She looks back at Hyunjin, shyly and Jisung turns his eyes away. “I was wondering if we could go out? I really like you.”

Gasps come from the other students who were watching, a few cheers too because wow, public confession to the most popular boy on campus? Who could blame them? Jisung could never do that, a public confession. He’s too afraid. He must admit; the girl was pretty brave to do that.

Jisung glances at Hyunjin out of the corner of his eye, wondering if the boy would accept the confession. It’s selfish, but he doesn’t want him to. He doesn’t even know what kind of person Hyunjin is into, but he hopes it’s not her.

He's hoping a lot of things today.

Hyunjin rubs his nape, looking a little troubled as he glances around and sees their audience. He looks uncomfortable with the unwanted attention. He finally turns to the girl, sighing. “I’m sorry, I can’t accept you. You’re probably a nice person, so I’m sure you’ll find someone soon.”

Jisung doesn’t realize he’s been holding his breath until his shoulders sag in relief. He wonders if now is the time to make his exit, especially when the crowd starts turning away from the failed confession.

“Why? Is it because of him?” The girl steps forward, pointing an accusing finger at Jisung. Which, rude, doesn’t she have enough manners to know it’s rude to point at someone? “You shouldn’t be hanging around with someone like him!”

Again, rude. Jisung furrows his eyebrows, lips press together, displeased. Who was she to say something like that to him? He can say it to himself, thank you very much.

Her friend grabs her arm, giving her a warning but the girl refuses to listen, opening her mouth again. “Listen, he’s _nothing_, worthless even! He doesn’t deserve to be near you, he isn’t _good enough_. Are you really dating _him_ of all people?”

There’s stares, whispers too. Jisung hates them, wants them to stop. He wants Hyunjin to hurry and tell them that they weren’t dating, that he wasn’t worthless, just something to make it stop. His fists clenches at his side, nails digging into his skin.

He wants to leave.

“D-don’t be ridiculous! He is not worthless, he's amazing, don’t be rude. Jisung and I are just friends, nothing more. I could never date Jisung!”

That hurt.

The words that came from Hyunjin’s mouth hurts a lot, if he’s going to be honest. Jisung knows he isn’t good enough for Hyunjin, been convincing himself for so long, ever since they first met and Hyunjin made him that stupid promise.

But hearing it out loud, from Hyunjin himself, really took a toll on him. It felt like his heart was ripped out of his chest and squeezed so hard he isn’t sure if it’s even beating anymore. His vision is starting to cloud, tears welling up, but he can’t cry, not now, not _here_.

Instead, he bites his lips harshly, digs his nails into the skin and hopes the pain helps him. After all, it’s not Hyunjin’s fault he doesn’t like him. Who could like Jisung, of all people? The girl wasn’t wrong.

In the end, he isn’t worth much to the star that is Hwang Hyunjin.

Hyunjin deserves to be with someone better than Jisung, someone so wonderful that when people look at them, they’ll sigh and say, “Look. What a perfect couple”. But Jisung? He can’t do that, he can’t stand next to Hyunjin and make people say that.

Jisung already expected this, already knew he might as well be asking to be rejected. But he was starting to hope, hope that maybe, just maybe, there was a small fraction of Hyunjin’s heart that could love him back.

He knows what started that hope too. All the touches, all the kind words, all the kisses, just everything. Even though he repeatedly tells himself there wasn’t anything behind it, that it was just Hyunjin who was keeping his promise and being a good friend, he started to hope.

Now, that hope was trampled and crushed.

His only regret is that he hopes Hyunjin doesn’t read the school’s journal, doesn’t read the piece Jisung wrote just for him. He wonders if he could take it back, maybe rewrite it so it wouldn’t be as embarrassing.

He should.

Hyunjin seems to realize the meaning behind his words the minute they come out, quickly turning to Jisung in a wild panic. “Wait, I didn’t mean-!”

“No, it’s okay.” Jisung says coldly, a bland smile on his lips. “Really, it’s fine you think that way. You’re right. Us dating? Impossible, right? We couldn’t be more than friends.”

“Jisung, please-” Hyunjin reaches for Jisung’s hand, flinching when Jisung slaps his hand away.

There’s a hushed silence as everybody watches, holding their breath. Jisung lets out a shaky sigh, shoving his hands into his hoodie pocket as he looks into those warm, brown orbs he’s grown to love but now wants to run away from.

“Let’s not see each other for a while, Hyunjin-ssi. She’s not wrong, someone like me shouldn’t be with someone like you. We wouldn’t want your reputation to crumble because of someone as worthless as I am, right?” Jisung smiles like he isn’t holding back his tears that threaten to escape with every passing minute.

It hurts.

He’s suffocating.

“Goodbye.”

He changes his piece.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're reaching the ending soon owo !!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hyunjin rises to his feet when he sees a small figure appear on the rooftop of the Arts building, approaching the edge and feels his stomach drop because this was a scene all too familiar to him.
> 
> It can’t be.
> 
> Hyunjin sprints.

Hyunjin is a mess.

It’s been a few weeks since the public confession and he hasn’t seen Jisung since.

Their friends have heard all about it, mostly from all the videos and rumors spiraling around campus. Needless to say, none of them were pleased with Hyunjin’s behavior.

He doesn’t even blame the youngest trio for immediately taking Jisung’s side and refusing to talk to Hyunjin. The hyungs are better, listening to his side and helping him fix his mess.

And that’s exactly what it was: a total mess. Jisung has ignored every call or text Hyunjin had sent, and even begged Woojin to change his shift schedule so they couldn’t see each other at work. 

Hyunjin regrets his words.

He knows it’s no excuse, but at that moment, surrounded by their peers and under pressure to respond to a confrontation, Hyunjin panicked. He’s been told numerous times he has no filter when he panics, just blurts things out even if he doesn’t mean anything he says.

Hyunjin thinks he says a lot of stupid shit. Does a lot of stupid shit too.

It happened once on New Year’s Eve when he raised his voice at Jisung because all he could see was blood and that Jisung was hurt.

He hates this.

He hasn’t seen Jisung for weeks, hasn’t heard his voice nor be able to touch his small hands that he likes holding very much.

Skateboarding used to be what cheered him up if he was ever down, but now all it did was bring up memories of when he used to make Jisung happy by showing him tricks on his board. He hasn’t ridden one since the confession, just drags his feet as he goes to class and work.

Sighing, Hyunjin finishes restocking the counter, throwing the box to the corner to pick up later. Seeing as he’s the only cashier right now, it wouldn’t help to go to the back. Plus, he would have to see Seungmin, and the younger was definitely not happy with him right now.

Hyunjin looks up when he hears the bell ring at the entrance door, smiling a little as the petite woman makes her way to the counter to order. “Hello, the usual for you?”

The woman smiles, handing him a few bills as he puts in her order. “Yes, thank you.” She glances around before turning back. “It’s quieter today.”

Hyunjin nods, handing back her change as he carefully grabs slices of cheesecake. “Yeah, it’s kinda nice. This is usually a busy hour, so I’m grateful for the lull.”

“Don’t say that, or else it’ll become really busy,” the woman giggles, accepting the plateful of cheesecake and her tea. “Thank you, darling.”

“Of course,” Hyunjin smiles, watching the petite woman make her way to her usual spot in the café, in the corner near the hanging out and windows.

He’s grown used to seeing her come, especially when she’s been coming every day for a few weeks now. It’s always at the same time too, he always expects her to come during his shift.

She doesn’t really do much, just orders and sits for a few hours. Sometimes, she brings a book to read or a small journal to write in. Every now and then, she would look up and her eyes would scan the café and outside, as if she’s looking for someone but can’t find them.

Hyunjin’s never seen her with anybody though. He wonders when she’ll meet the person she’s trying to find.

He hopes it’s soon, she looks like she wants to meet them.

* * *

Hyunjin is supposed to be studying, but he can’t focus on anything.

He’s been in the library for hours, cooped up because Seungmin was visiting Minho in their dorm and he doesn’t want to make the younger angrier. He hasn’t seen Felix and Jeongin for a while now, even though Jeongin did leave him a drink during break.

Groaning, his head falls back on the chair, neck straining his muscles, but he thinks he deserves the pain.

It’s what he gets for hurting Jisung.

The moment haunts him.

There isn’t a day that goes by where he regrets what he did. He remembers the numerous eyes, the countless whispers, the angry voice accusing thoughtless words. Most of all, he remembers Jisung.

Jisung, who was talked about carelessly. Jisung, who looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there. Jisung, whose face had fallen when he heard Hyunjin’s words.

Jisung, who said he didn’t want to see Hyunjin anymore.

That hurt.

It took a week for Hyunjin to go outside after the confession. No matter how much he wanted to see Jisung, the latter didn’t want the same. That broke him. He’d shut himself in his room until Minho threw a fit and lectured him.

**>>Flashback<<**

“You cannot do this anymore, Hwang Hyunjin! Go to class, go to work, go outside for fuck’s sake! I don’t care how sad you are, this was your fault in the first place.” Minho scolds, hands on his hips after he made Hyunjin sit up, blanket buddle around him like a burrito.

“Hyung, I don’t want to. Do you have any idea how awful I feel? I promised, hyung. I said I didn’t want him to be hurt anymore, yet I’m the one who hurt him!” Hyunjin’s voice cracks, hoarse from crying himself to sleep again.

Minho sighs, running a hand through his hair. “I know. I know you did something incredibility stupid, which I’m still upset about by the way, but it’s not like you haven’t been reflecting either. You know you did something wrong, so fucking apologize already.”

“He doesn’t want to see me!” Hyunjin snaps, deflating right away because he honestly doesn’t have the energy to be upset. “Don’t you think I’ve been trying? I would have camped outside his dorm if the others hadn’t forced me to go home.”

“What, exactly, would that solve?” Minho rubs his temples, trying to will away the headache caused by none other than the overgrown child in front of him.

“I don’t know, let me see him?”

Minho crosses his arms over his chest, “Do you even know what you’re going to say to him? I hope you’re not planning on just a “I’m sorry” because he deserves more than that.”

“Of course not,” Hyunjin frowns. “I’ll say that and tell him I didn’t mean anything that I said.”

“Which is…?”

Hyunjin blinks, furrowing his eyebrows. Why is Minho looking at him like that? “What do you mean? That I think we’re more than friends and I wouldn’t mind dating him- oh.”

_Oh._

That’s…something.

“Finally, oh my god,” Minho rolls his eyes, standing up. “I’ve been waiting for this for weeks now. You’re such a _fool_.”

Hyunjin chokes. “W-what? Did all of you know? Did Jisung know?”

Minho shakes his head. “Nah, pretty sure Jisung didn’t know. We’ve been trying to get you two together for so long, but it was so frustrating since it seemed like you guys avoided the topic of being together.”

Hyunjin looks down at his hands, clasping them together as he tries to remember the sensation of Jisung’s hands in his. It was warm, really warm. He liked it.

He likes Jisung.

No, he thinks it’s more than “like”, but he’s a little afraid to say it.

This must be the feeling he gets in his chest whenever he sees Jisung, be near Jisung, touches Jisung and…kisses Jisung.

Ah. It wasn’t a fluke after all.

Hyunjin remembers that night at the party.

He admits he was a little out of it when they kissed, but he was perfectly sober when he asked for more. He didn’t think Jisung would accept, he thought the younger would pull him out of the room and go find their friends to drive them home. When Jisung made the offer, he couldn’t help himself.

Kissing Jisung once…was not enough.

It was addicting. He thinks he would have gone on longer if their phones didn’t start ringing sometime after, and it was haunting him for days. He didn’t mention it to Jisung because he didn’t think the younger remembered and left it at that.

The night on New Year’s Eve?

The mistletoe was just an excuse to kiss Jisung again. He’s grateful Changbin forgot to take it down after Christmas, or else he wouldn’t have a reason to taste those delectable lips again. 

At first, Hyunjin thinks it’s because he’s attracted to Jisung physically. After all, the younger was cute, and kissing him was the best feeling ever. But later, as Hyunjin has come to realize, it was much more than that.

He likes listening to Jisung talk about anything and nothing. He likes watching Jisung write in his little notebook he refuses to show Hyunjin. He likes teaching Jisung how to skateboard, no matter how much the latter complains it could end his life. He likes Jisung’s laugh, like chimes in the summer breeze. He likes Jisung’s smile, glowing so brightly Hyunjin is certain he’ll go blind soon.

He likes- no, _loves_ Jisung.

And now he has fucked up.

Why can’t he do anything right?

**>>End of Flashback<<**

With another groan, Hyunjin sits himself upright. His textbook glares at him, mostly because his answer sheet is blank aside from a few scribbles here and there. He should try harder but studying by himself isn’t easy.

Jisung always helped him.

Ah. He’s thinking about him again.

There’s a loud slam on the table that shakes the boy out of his thoughts, startled and honestly prepared to grab his things and leave until he sees who it is. “Seungmin. W-what are you doing here? I thought you were with Minho-hyung.”

“I was,” Seungmin replies curtly, fingers flipping the large book he had slammed on the table earlier, “but it’s been hours already. Haven’t you noticed how long you’ve been here?”

The clock on the wall ticks again, showcasing that the skater had been in the library much longer than expected, and he still wasn’t finished with his homework. Great, wonderful.

Not to mention, why was Seungmin talking to him after radio silence for weeks? Hyunjin’s a little frighten, if he’s going to be honest. An angry Seungmin was someone to avoid, especially when he’s the reason behind it.

“Read this,” Seungmin turns the book so it faces Hyunjin, tapping the page he’s open to.

Hyunjin is lost. “W-what is this?”

“The school’s journal, dumbass. Do you ever read it?”

“No?”

Seungmin sighs. “Me either, but this is something you need to see. If you don’t fix this mess afterwards, I’ll deck you tomorrow.” With a huff, the boy leaves a bewildered Hyunjin behind.

It’s the beginning of the literary section, on a featured page no less. The piece takes up the entire page, under an alias he’s seen before scribbled endlessly on the corner of notebook pages.

_“J.ONE.” _

Hyunjin has no doubt who it is.

There’s a title for the piece, “Star in My Orbit”.

_(There’s a secret I’ve never told anybody else. It’s about the star in my orbit. He’s a little clueless, a little childish, but I’ve realized there’s nothing wrong with that.)_

Hyunjin is out of breath when he exits the library, searching around before deciding to visit some places.

_(When we met, when he said he could save me, I thought he was a fool. I thought there were only lies falling gracefully from his lips, sounds to fill my ears and haunt my mind. But, I could not be more wrong.)_

Not in the café, not in his favorite study hall, where on earth could he be?

_(I think he’s a star. Why? Because he smiles like the sun blesses him, laughs like there’s no better feeling than happiness, and is adored by many. He’s a star in many orbits. He’s radiant, so much that I wonder if I’m even allowed to stand next to him. I don’t think I deserve to.)_

His lungs are burning, and he wishes he brought his skateboard today. The campus was huge when in search for one individual.

_(But if I may be a little selfish, I want to keep him to myself a little longer. If I were to name myself one thing, I would be a stray meteor, circling around the star that is him. I want to keep holding his hands, I want to hear his laughter, I want to see his smile._

_I want to know what it means to be loved.)_

Hyunjin sits on the bench outside, racking his mind for any other places he hasn’t searched yet. There must be some place!

_(I tell myself one day, I will slip away, and others will take my place. I never expected it to be so soon, and there’s a thorn in my chest that threatens to rip me apart. _

_Somewhere along the line, I’ve started to hope for something that could never be a reality. Hope works in funny ways, I believe. It could give you everything you ever wanted, or it could take away everything you ever cared for. I think in my case, it was the latter.)_

As he leans his head back on the bench, the old arts building comes to view. The roof still didn’t have the fence like it should, even though there were talks about it.

_(I have realized that once you have obtained a taste of something, it’s difficult to let it go. For me, I have witnessed what it’s like to be near someone who makes me feel loved for the first time in my life. I think there’s something special about that.)_

Hyunjin rises to his feet when he sees a small figure appear on the rooftop of the Arts building, approaching the edge and feels his stomach drop because this was a scene all too familiar to him.

It can’t be.

_(He doesn't know it, but he's the only star in my orbit. _

_One day, someone will be lucky enough to be the star in his orbit._

_But, I am not that someone.)_

Hyunjin sprints.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jisung thinks he has the best life.

It can’t be happening again.

Hyunjin’s lungs burn as he runs up the stairs, because taking the elevator would make him anxious of waiting to see the worse. He would rather feel something as he makes his way to the rooftop.

If, just if, it was really him, Hyunjin wants to be the one who dies instead.

Hyunjin thought Jisung was doing so well, he thought he was getting better with each passing day, especially after the incident at his house. He thought it was going to be alright because Jisung’s been talking more, getting help for once.

Maybe it was his fault.

If it hadn’t been for Hyunjin, maybe he wouldn’t have done this. Maybe if Hyunjin hadn’t been a coward and realized his feelings earlier, maybe if he hadn’t hurt him, this wouldn’t have happened.

There’s so much more he wants to do with Jisung, so much more he wants to say to him. He hasn’t confessed yet. He wants to, he doesn’t want to run away more. He won’t run away this time.

Hyunjin just prays it isn’t too late.

“Jisung!”

Hyunjin doesn’t wait for the boy to answer, doesn’t wait to see his surprised expression when he turns around and sees Hyunjin for the first time in weeks.

“H-hyunjin? What-?”

The taller takes quick strides until he’s in front of the younger, grabbing his arm and pulling him into a crushing hug.

“Please don’t.” Hyunjin wraps his arms tightly around the younger boy’s body, a sob breaking because it’s all too much. “You mustn’t, you hear me? Don’t do this again! Please, I can’t-!”

“W-wha-?”

“I was a coward, okay? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything I said that day,” Hyunjin is in tears now, hugging Jisung tighter like he will go away if he doesn’t keep his grip. “I say a lot of shitty stuff when I panic, and I shouldn’t have because it’s not like I knew her, not like I knew them. I should have said something else, tell her off because what she said was wrong.”

“Wait a second-”

“You aren’t worthless, you’re brilliant. You’re not nothing, you’re everything. You deserve so, so much and I’m the one who’s not good enough for you,” Hyunjin continues, words flowing like a dam finally burst. “So please, don’t do this. Don’t do this to yourself. I can’t- I _won’t_ be able to live with myself anymore. These past few weeks have been _hell_ without you.”

“Hyunjin-!”

“I know I made you that promise when we met, and I know I hurt you. But I swear, I’ll protect you with my life because you’re the best thing that’s ever happen to me. If you’re gone, I-” Hyunjin chokes at the thought, legs feeling so weak he falls, bringing Jisung with him, “I don’t know what I’ll do. I think I’ll go insane. Please, I beg you.

_Please don’t leave me.”_

Hyunjin doesn’t even try to stop his overflowing tears.

* * *

Jisung thinks he’s dreaming.

He’s been out of it since the public confession, refusing to talk or see Hyunjin because it hurts too much. It hurt to see the face of the boy he loves because he knows he would never love him back.

His friends have been helping him avoid Hyunjin, even if the hyungs say they should talk soon and settle this out. The youngest trio refuses, but Jisung could tell even they started to crack as time went by.

They all want both to be happy after all.

Except for Jisung, he doesn’t think he’ll be happy.

So when he decides to come to the rooftop for some fresh air – he’s been cooped up studying his ass off all day – he doesn’t expect to be in the arms of the very boy who rejected him all those weeks ago.

It’s strange.

Hyunjin broke down in complete tears and rambles, hugging Jisung so tight he thinks he might die but there’s a gentleness to the way Hyunjin holds him, like he’s someone precious. It can’t be, right?

He’s afraid to hope again.

Jisung hates that he’s comfortable pressed up against Hyunjin as the taller sits with his back against the wall, arms tightly holding Jisung and face buried in his shoulder. The younger’s been trying to calm the taller for a while now, muttering soothing words and rubbing circles on his back as Hyunjin’s shoulders continue to shake.

Hyunjin hasn’t stopped trembling.

It reminds Jisung of New Year’s Eve, except he had been the one who was having a breakdown and Hyunjin was calming him.

The positions are switched, how weird.

Hyunjin’s words ring in his ears, and he can’t help but bite his lips, cheeks a rosy color. Has the older really mean all that? He was really hurt that day, and he knew the older would apologize eventually because Hyunjin was kind like that.

He just didn’t expect this kind of apology.

Or the breakdown.

Jisung doesn’t quite understand Hyunjin’s rambles, if he’s going to be honest. What does he mean, don’t do this or don’t leave him? What did Hyunjin think he was doing up here- oh.

Did Hyunjin think he was planning on committing suicide again?

He supposes it does seem that way, especially since this was the exact same spot of his first suicide attempt. He hadn’t thought about that. And like the first time, Hyunjin was the first to find him.

Was this a coincidence?

Jisung wasn’t planning on jumping off the edge like he had that one cold morning, he really did just come for some fresh air. His mental state has been improving lately, especially when he actually talks to someone about his problems rather than keeping them to himself all the time, all bottled up and nowhere to go.

The thought of committing suicide hasn’t occurred in his mind, even when he was rejected. He was hurt, yes, but he did prepare himself for rejection. So the fact that Hyunjin was here, saying these things, greatly befuddled him.

Hyunjin’s sobs slowly turns into light sniffles, but he hasn’t stop trembling, even if it’s just a little.

Jisung’s hesitant to touch him, so he lets his hands fall to his sides, hanging awkwardly. “Are you alright now?”

The skater doesn’t answer, just holds Jisung tighter.

“I wasn’t planning to jump.”

Hyunjin freezes, loosening his grip a bit just to pull away to face Jisung. “Really? You mean it?” His bloodshot eyes widen, voice in a quiet whisper like he’s holding onto a small hope.

Jisung nods, “Really.”

There’s a silence, Hyunjin searching if Jisung was really telling the truth. When he realizes it was true, he sighs in relief.

The tension leaves Hyunjin’s body and he deflates like a balloon, bringing Jisung close again and hugging him tightly. “I’m glad. I’m so, so glad,” was all Jisung could hear from the taller as he repeats the words, lips brushing his hair.

“I forgive you, by the way,” Jisung says after a while, because he still feels a little awkward being hugged by the boy he loves but doesn’t know he loves him. “Um, I won’t go anywhere now so you can uh, let go of me.”

There’s a pause before, “I don’t want to.”

“Hyunjin, please-”

“I read your feature.”

_Thump_. Jisung stills in the older’s arms, eyes widening as Hyunjin pulls away to face him, face softening when he sees Jisung’s surprise. “I want to confirm something. Can I?”

“It’s just some shitty writing I did, you don’t have to think much of it-!” Jisung is stressed, averting his eyes from Hyunjin’s roaming ones because he can’t face the other about this now. It was far too soon, and he mentally scolds himself for not remembering the issue came out recently.

Jisung just didn’t expect Hyunjin to read it, because the older was never interested so he wouldn’t have been able to see it. Who gave it to him?

“Is it about us?”

“…no.”

Hyunjin arches an eyebrow, placing a finger under Jisung’s chin and tilting it so the younger can look at him, except Jisung refuses to meet his eyes. He sighs, “Alright, I’d like to say something then.” Jisung blinks curiously as Hyunjin looks on with fondness.

“I think the narrator was mistaken. The star in his orbit, well, I think he also thinks the narrator is a star in _his_ orbit.”

_Thump. Thump. Thump_. “…what?” Jisung’s heart stops, stutters for a bit, beating a mile a minute he swears it might just come out of his chest.

What did Hyunjin just say?

Hyunjin chuckles, brushes a stray lock of hair behind Jisung’s ear. The younger looks so bewildered it was almost adorable. Correction, it_ was_ adorable. “I think the narrator is that someone, someone who is the star of my orbit. I wonder if they know that.” His pretty lips stretch into a shy smile. “What do you think?”

“I- um- t-that is-” the words don’t come out as he hopes, caught and tangled in his throat as he stares at Hyunjin in disbelief, speechless. Jisung swallows, hoping his cheeks aren’t as red as he thinks they are because suddenly, it’s much warmer than it was previously.

“J-just to be clear, are you saying you, um-?”

Hyunjin smiles fondly, cupping Jisung’s cheeks like he’s the most precious thing ever. “I’m saying I love you, Han Jisung, if that’s what you’re wondering.”

Jisung thinks he’s gonna faint.

Like, actually.

Hyunjin’s words echo in his mind, not in a bad way like it was all those weeks ago, but he thinks he’s embarrassing himself the longer the words rewind in his head. He’s thought he was blushing before, but he knows he’s blushing now, probably a vibrant red.

Hyunjin loves him.

As in, _Hwang Hyunjin loves Han Jisung_.

What kind of alternate universe did he wake up in? Maybe he’s still dreaming. Maybe he’s actually still in bed, dreaming of all this because how can it be possible? How can Hyunjin confess to him after, well, after all that?

What about Jisung even stood out to him anyway? Jisung is kinda a _loser_. Sure, he has good grades, and sure, he looks alright, but does that really define a person suitable for Hwang Hyunjin? Maybe, just maybe, if this was real and not a dream, then maybe Hyunjin just meant it as a friend?

After all, the elder had declared they were best friends once, even if Jisung had no idea why Hyunjin would choose him of all people to be _his_ best friend.

Jisung stares at Hyunjin, the skater blinking back in response, tilting his head. Jisung mentally groans, he can’t do it. The older was too much for his weak little heart. And he doesn’t look like he’s pulling some sort of prank…

“Oh. Cool. That’s, uh, great?”

A laugh escapes the older’s lips, shimmering to a giggle so cute it makes Jisung’s heart beat even faster. He’s going to have a _heart attack_ and it’s all Hwang Hyunjin’s _fault_.

“That’s all you have to say? I just confessed to you as in; I want to hold your hand, I want to take you on skateboarding trips, I want to hear your laugh, I want to see your smile,” Hyunjin pauses, and Jisung’s breath catches in his throat, “I want to touch you, I want to kiss you, I want to be your _boyfriend_.”

Oh.

_Oh._

Jisung reaches over and pinches himself, hissing when he feels a throbbing pain through the skin. Hyunjin yelps, immediately grabbing his arm and soothing the redden skin. “Why did you do that?” The older asks, worried eyes flickering to Jisung’s arm.

Ah. It’s not a dream after all.

It’s real.

_This is real._

“Why?” Hyunjin tilts his head in confusion. Jisung clears his throat, trying to will the blush on his cheeks away. “I mean, why do you l-love me? You could literally have anybody you want-!”

“Yeah, but I want you.”

Why does he do that? Why does he make Jisung’s heart beat so fast it’s going to leap out of his chest and start running away because it’s still on a sugar rush?

Ugh. Stupid Hwang Hyunjin and his stupid smile stretching his stupid pretty, pink lips as he looks at Jisung with his stupid milky brown eyes with so much fondness Jisung feels himself heat up again.

“Do you not want me?” Hyunjin asks when Jisung doesn’t say anything, shoulders hunched a little as his face slowly falls. He loosens his hold on Jisung.

“No! I mean-,” Jisung finds himself grabbing the ends Hyunjin’s shirt before he realizes it, blushing a little more as he looks down. “I do. I do want you. I mean, I wrote that piece right? It was, um, my confession… to you. Though, I think you already figured that out…”

“I did,” Hyunjin’s smile brightens when Jisung chokes, covering his face with his hands because he’s embarrassed, okay? The skater giggles, drawing Jisung’s hands away to reveal his rosy and flushed cheeks, lips pressed together in a small pout. “You’re adorable, Jisungie.”

“Can I kiss you?”

Jisung really chokes this time, eyes wide like he’s caught doing something he’s not supposed to do, a squirrel caught in headlights. Like, maybe sitting on the rooftop in the arms of the boy he loves who loves him back _and_ wants to kiss him?

Honestly? Something he never knew he needed until now.

He thinks his head tilts in what seems to be a nod because really, no words were coming out right now. Pleased, Hyunjin leans in and presses his lips against Jisung’s, arm bringing his lithe body close and hand holding his head tenderly.

Jisung’s small hands grasps Hyunjin’s shirt tightly, squeaking when a tongue swipes over his bottom lip and he whimpers as his mouth falls open slightly. Unlike their previous kisses, which was all soft and short, this one made Jisung’s head spin. Hyunjin’s pressing harder and harder, swallowing all the little moans that falls from Jisung’s lips.

It’s intoxicating, to say the least. The sensation of Hyunjin’s lips on his, bodies pressed close until Jisung thinks there’s no physical space left, it’s honestly making him lose his mind. There’s a hand sliding under his hoodie, cool fingers rubbing circles on his skin that makes him shiver. 

Hyunjin is the first to pull away, and Jisung falls forward, burying his face in the older’s chest because wow, that was something. He didn’t know how long that was, but it was enough to burn his cheeks and swollen his lips.

“I think that’s the best kiss we’ve had out of the rest.” Hyunjin hums, threading his hand through Jisung’s hair and kissing the side of his head.

Wait. Jisung pulls back, hands on Hyunjin’s (broad) chest. “What do you mean, out of the rest?” The smaller boy’s eyes widen. “Do you remember the party?”

“Yeah, and apparently you did too.” Hyunjin yelps when Jisung smacks his arm. “Ow! What was that for?”

“I thought you forgot, dumbass! You didn’t say anything afterwards!” Jisung whines, trying to frown but failing because Hyunjin is pulling his “kicked puppy” look again.

“I thought _you_ forgot so that’s why I didn’t say anything!” Hyunjin retorts, rubbing his arm. “Listen, I was _sober_ when I asked to kiss you again. As in, I was in my_ right_ mind.”

“Oh my god,” Jisung groans, wrapping his arms around Hyunjin’s middle and burying his face in the older’s chest again. “This is horrifying.”

Hyunjin snorts, pitching Jisung’s side a little just to get back at the younger. It didn’t stop Jisung from hitting his chin against Hyunjin’s shoulder in retaliation. “Just so we’re clear, you are my boyfriend, right?”

“No.” Jisung’s voice muffles against Hyunjin’s hoodie. “Ask me out properly, you buffoon.”

Hyunjin heaves an exaggerated sigh. “Will you, Han Jisung, do me the honor of being my one, my only, my boyfriend?”

“No need to be so dramatic,” Jisung huffs, pulling back to properly showcase his widening smile, cheeks puffed cutely. “But yes, I would love to be your boyfriend.”

“Perfect. Are you wearing a new chapstick? I didn’t get to taste it.” Hyunjin smirks, licking his lips teasingly.

Jisung grins, arms moving from Hyunjin’s middle to around his neck, pressing himself closer until their lips barely touch.

“So kiss me again.”

* * *

“I regret being your boyfriend.”

“Hey!”

After telling their friends of their new relationship, there were a lot of congratulations and Hyunjin being hit by everybody at least once. The group was finally all together again, and Jisung’s never been happier surrounded by the people he loves. Even if Hyunjin made him ride a skateboard with him for the first time and Jisung's glad he didn't die.

It’s nearing the end of the quarter, with summer break just upon them. Ever since they got the same shifts at the café again, Hyunjin’s been talking his ear off on where they should go on their first trip as a couple during the break.

They’re both at the counter now, Jisung actually doing his job while Hyunjin leaf through a travel magazine. “How about here? It has a nice view of the sea!” Hyunjin examines excitedly, pointing to a page.

“Mhm.”

“You’re not even looking!” Hyunjin pouts, pressing the magazine right up to Jisung’s face. The younger pushes it away, frowning.

“I told you, I don’t care where we go. Plus, I don’t even know if I can go anywhere for long. I still have to find an apartment,” Jisung says, restocking the cream and sugar.

Hyunjin sighs, putting the magazine under the counter. “Why can’t you stay with Woojin-hyung? He’s still offering, isn’t he? I would rather you stay with hyung than by yourself!”

Jisung shrugs. “I can’t stay with him forever. Plus, I know Changbin-hyung is thinking of moving too. I don’t want to be third wheeling in the apartment all the time.”

“Stay with me then! My parents love you!”

Jisung shakes his head. “No, your family has already done so much for me. Your mom is doing my therapy sessions for free and your dad practically saved my life. I can’t ask for more.”

“Why are you so stubborn?” Hyunjin complains, pouting like the child he is. He doesn’t understand why his boyfriend keeps trying to be so independent when everybody is willing to help him.

Jisung opens his mouth to retort, stopping when the door opens with a chime. A petite woman walks in, closing the door behind her. She’s young, still in her prime and pretty in a way if you took a second glance.

“Oh, my favorite customer,” Hyunjin brightens, turning to Jisung who doesn’t stop staring at the woman as she approaches the counter. “She comes regularly and stays for a while, but she doesn’t do a whole lot. I think she’s waiting for someone.”

“Ah, really?” Jisung mumbles, standing to the side, just behind the display case, as Hyunjin greets the woman. There’s something familiar about her, but he doesn’t quite know what.

“Jisung, can you get me some cheesecake?” Hyunjin calls as he punches in the order on the cashier, opening the drawer for the change.

Jisung hums, quickly placing the best slices of cheesecake on the plate. He feels like he should. “Here you are.”

The change drops from the woman’s hand in a loud clutter, coins banging on the counter before settling to a slow stop. The woman’s eyes widen slowly, hand suspended in the air as if it was frozen.

“Jisung-ah.”

_Oh._

* * *

Jisung doesn’t know what to think.

He’s sitting in the café, on a seat on the opposite side of the table of the woman who is his mother.

His mother, who left him when he was but a child, on Christmas no less, all those years ago. His mother, who never made any contact since. His mother, who was the reason his father went mad and tried to kill him. His mother, who paid for his hospital fees. His mother, who was right here in front of him.

When Jisung says he would be ready to meet his mother soon, he was lying through his teeth. He is _not_ ready.

After talking to Woojin, he made the younger clock out so he could have all the time he needed with his mother in clothes that didn’t spell like coffee and pastries.

“Why did you leave me?” The silence was getting to him. He’s glad there were barely any other customers around. And this was the question he’s been dying to ask for years. He has to know.

His mother intakes a shaky breath, crossing and uncrossing her hands like she has to do something with them. “Let me start at the beginning. When I had you, I was sixteen.” Jisung almost chokes on his water, coughing a little. _Sixteen_?

His mother smiles a little, but it was more remorseful. “Your father was an upperclassman, and he asked me out one day. I was never quite confident in myself, kinda thought I would be lonely for the rest of my life. So, when this upperclassman asked me out, I said yes like a fool.

He was,” a sigh, fingers tightly interlocked, “controlling, to put it cleanly. He kept track of everything I did, where I went, who my friends were. I didn’t want to do it, but he pressured me, saying I had to or else he would break up with me. I thought he was using protection, that I would be okay, but he lied to me. I found out I was pregnant with you not long after and my parents threw me out.”

Jisung did _not_ know that. He just thought he never knew his grandparents well because they lived far away, and he could never see them on a regular basis.

His mother continues a little bitterly. “He made me marry him because I was carrying his child, he said I had to. I think he was obsessed with me so much that if he didn’t have me, nobody else could. So, like the fool I was, I agreed. I was sixteen. I couldn’t raise a baby by myself, and I didn’t want you to lose a parent figure.

A few years went by and I thought I would be okay. You were growing so well and I loved you so much, my little squirrel had my looks and not that monster’s. That is, until I met some of my old high school friends. They asked why I dropped out so suddenly, and I couldn’t say anything. They went to college, got their dream careers, and me? I couldn’t do any of that. When your father found out, he was furious. What did I mean, wanting an education and a career I would actually enjoy? You probably don’t remember it, but it was our biggest fight.”

Jisung thinks he does, thinks he remembers being frighten as he hides in the staircase, trembling as his parents shouted at each other in fury.

“I wanted to leave. I couldn’t take it anymore. My childhood friend was the one who helped me,” his mother explains. “I wanted to take you too, but I had nothing. I didn’t have an education nor a job, there was no way I could support you. I figured, if you stayed, your father could still take care of you. And one day when I’m back on my own two feet, I would come get you.”

“Then why did you come back now? I’m in college now,” Jisung grips his cup. “A-and you have another child. Did you know?” He meets his mother’s eyes for the first time in years. “That Dad abused me for years and finally tried to kill me when he saw you with your child?”

His mother hesitates, nodding slowly. “Yes. When I received that call from the hospital, they told me everything. I was horrified, I knew there was something up when I saw you walk around in oversized clothing.

Jisung sucks in a sharp breath. “What?”

His mother scratches her cheek, averting her gaze. “This isn’t, um, the first time I’ve been back in town? I came regularly over the years, just to um, check up on you. So yes, I’ve seen you grow.”

He’s dumbfounded as the information sinks in. His mother’s been watching over him this whole time? Jisung thought she only came back now since she had a happy life, thought she never remembered him once in all those years. But she’s actually been coming back just to see him from afar? “Why didn’t you talk to me? Do you know how hard it was in that house?”

“I’m sorry,” his mother bows her head in shame. “As time went on, I grew afraid to face you again. I didn’t know what to say, what to do. I thought you would reject me, because well, I did abandon you. That’s not going to change, I did something a mother should never do, and I’m deeply sorry for that. I regret it every day.”

Something clicks in Jisung’s mind and he glances at the counter where Hyunjin was trying his hardest not to look like he was staring. “You knew I was working here. Hyunjin says you were visiting regularly.”

“Your doctor told me about your job,” his mother confesses. “I said I would wait for you to contact me, but I guess I got a little impatient. I didn’t know when your shift was, so I came whenever I could and stayed for a few hours.”

Jisung thinks he’s going to burst with all this newfound information. He doesn’t know what to say, other than what he thought was true about his mother was entirely wrong. His mother didn’t abandon him because she wanted to, but because she had to. Which is still a problem but the fact that she regrets it makes his heart swell.

He clears his throat, finger tapping the cup. “What, um, do you want to happen now?”

“It’s a little selfish, but I want to be your mother again.” She admits, meeting Jisung’s gaze evenly. Jisung freezes. “I know it’s sudden for me to show up in front of you like this after years of not seeing each other, but I’ve never forgotten about you, Jisung-ah. You will, and always be, my son.”

“T-this is sudden,” Jisung agrees, wetting his dry lips. Never in his life would he imagine himself in this situation. Never in his life would he imagine hearing his mother say those words.

But Jisung isn’t like before, he knows what happiness is and wants to embrace it whenever he can. Jisung knows he deserves to be happy, knows no matter what anybody says, he deserves better. Someone special taught him that.

“Can we start slow? If it’s possible…Mom.”

And when his mother smiles through glossy eyes, Jisung thinks everything will be alright.

* * *

“She’s so cute, Hyunjinnie. Like, the most adorable girl ever!”

“Yes, yes, your little sister is the cutest in the world.”

Jisung frowns, whirling around to face his boyfriend as he pulls up yet another picture of his sister in a pink party dress. “What are you saying, she’s the cutest in the _universe_!”

Hyunjin groans, flopping on the king-sized bed in the middle of their hotel room. “We’re supposed to be enjoying our first trip together and all you care about is your sister! What about me? I’m your baby here!”

“Oh, stop complaining, you big baby,” Jisung rolls his eyes, kicking Hyunjin as he spins around in the chair. “You were the one who insisted I go on the family trip before our trip. You should have known I would take pictures of her.”

“I feel like you have more pictures of _her_ on your phone than of _me_.”

“Of course I do. What did you expect?”

Hyunjin whines, huffing when he sees Jisung place his attention back on his phone. He glares at the device like it’s the most awful thing to exist, standing up and taking it from Jisung’s hands. He ignores his boyfriend’s shout of protest, picking him up and throwing him ungracefully on the bed.

Jisung winces when his head hits the pillows with a little bounce, eyes meeting his boyfriend’s who towered over him, hands on both sides of Jisung’s body. “You are such a child, oh my god.”

“This child,” Hyunjin leans closer, tilting so his lips brush against Jisung’s sensitive ear, making the younger shiver, “wants attention. _Give it_.”

“So demanding mmph-!” Jisung sighs, eyes fluttering shut when Hyunjin smashes their lips together in a searing kiss. When he feels his shirt riding up and his lips bit on harshly, he knows he’s pushed his boyfriend a little too far today.

Oh well.

When they pull away, breathless as always, Jisung is the first to speak. “You know, they say spending your first day in your hotel room is the best way to start off a good trip.”

“You know, you could be right,” Hyunjin kisses him again, lips lingering. “I love you, Jisungie.”

A smile breaks onto Jisung’s lips, warmth swelling in his chest. “I love you too. You’re the star to my orbit, Hyunjinnie.”

Jisung thinks he has the best life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And [END]!!! 
> 
> Okay so, this was originally planned to be a oneshot. Like, actually. Not this 30k word, 9 page, mess. I started this with the intention of making it short and sweet but then the angst started and I kept rolling and welp, here we are. If you didn't suffer, I'm so sorry to disappoint and I will try harder :))
> 
> I really enjoyed writing this story, even if it took me more than a whole freaking month when it should have been done in like, two week-ish. I tried my best displaying Jisung's character, all his thoughts and changes were fun and challenging to write because I've never spent so much time developing a character before. Especially when it's over a long period of time. I'm so pleased with the result and I hope you enjoyed the story as much as I enjoyed writing it!! owo
> 
> P.S. if u see mistakes keep it to yourself bc it's almost midnight and I'm running on bottles of water ovo

**Author's Note:**

> 2nd Hyunsung fic on Ao3 and first one to be an ongoing one instead of a oneshot like I originally planned lol. I was supposed to be done with this and upload it as a oneshot, but it turned out much longer than expected soooo. 
> 
> I really enjoyed writing this one, I felt like there were a lot of things I could do and it was really fun. Hope you enjoy!! :))
> 
> For more skz/bts content, follow my twitter: @starbunny_00


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